A Favorite Quote

"Researchers have found that intense emotion by itself is not the problem. When parents provide support during difficult emotional experiences, children actually have the opportunity to develop a more sophisticated understanding of the mind,"-Parenting from the Inside Out, Daniel J. Siegel, MD, and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., p.232.


This quote is from a book that has transformed my life and career like nothing else. It may sound a bit dry at first, but Daniel Siegel's and Mary Harzell's research and perspective has changed my life and my career completely. Their research greatly informs Hand in Hand Parenting, the organization that I teach for and have learned so much from, and ignited a passion in me for helping families including my own. The book focuses on neuroscience and the connection between it and children's emotions, behavior, attachment, and growth.

This connection between neuroscience and parenting has fascinated me since my oldest daughter showed the first signs of toddler tantruming. She is extremely sensitive and I quickly found in trying to be a patient, loving parent to her, but still provide discipline, that traditional forms of discipline like 'time outs' or punishment would only alienate her further and make her behavioral problems worse. What I have learned, in very basic terms, is that the human brain thrives in connection with others, that children are "wired" to constantly be learning, and that stress hormones, released for any reason from sleep deprivation to fear or separation, can shut down the prefrontal cortex and thus shut down a child's ability to be rational and learn. Providing connection and a listening ear to an upset child changes the landscape of the parent-child relationship entirely as the child is able to release stress hormones through crying, laughter, sweating, etc..

After learning about these connections and gaining a rudimentary understanding of neuroscience, I changed my approach to parenting. It was indeed a relief to not have to "solve" my daughters tantrums. Instead, I would listen, stay close, and offer my presence and my love. She would sometimes scream, sometimes kick (not me, just in the air or the floor), sometimes rage, but always come back to me... And then a light would go on and she would suddenly snap out of it. She would look at me with a brightness, a relief, and even a pride, and apologize for losing it, offer me love, and embrace me. We would be closer than we were when the episode started and she would explain a lesson that she had learned through her upset. Remarkable!

It was in this way, that my oldest daughter, and later my youngest, learned to get through their own upset. They are not afraid to cry, talk about their feelings, or be upset. When they are upset, they share it with me and I listen, and they feel relief, happiness, and connection to me. They have incredible impulse control, as well. They are remarkable communicators and very happy, engaged children.

When my youngest daughter was hospitalized earlier this year at the age of 3, her doctor actually took aside the 12 doctors on her case and had to explain to them that she was an emotionally sophisticated child and that they had to communicate with her very directly and listen to her for information on what was appropriate to proceed with and what wasn't. She demanded that. She is wise beyond her years emotionally and I credit this simple understanding that this quote alludes to-that children are more capable than we give them credit for! If given support, children can work through hard emotions, release the stress hormones that temporary render them irrational, and return to their joy and rationality with lessons learned and connection built-with, as the quote states, "a more sophisticated understanding of the mind."

In my next post, I will share a story that is dear to my heart. It is the story of my youngest learning to "get her sad out," as she put it. Stay tuned...

-Lauren