Daily Supports

I may be one of the luckiest people in the world. When it comes to support, I have a lot of it... On a daily basis I am supported by my wife, my parents, my sister, my children, my network of colleagues, my friends, my clients, my children's teachers, and the administrative staff at my children's schools. And these are only the primary people that support me! I find support on a daily basis from the folks at the grocery store to the postal service to the folks who run the company from whom I buy the internet service that allows me to get my master's degree online. I am supported by my laptop, my iphone, my car, my mechanic, the kindness of stranger's, the crossing guard at my daughter's school, the lady who makes that amazing chai, the farmer's that grow my food, the folks that grow, process and sell the food that feeds my pets, my pets, themselves, and the list goes on and on... My spiritual practices are a huge part of my support system, as well. My mediation practice has kept me happy and healthy for many years and my meditation teacher supports me in a thousand more ways. She, too, helps me remember who I am and what I am here on this planet to do. And the knowledge of what I am supposed to do is perhaps the biggest support of all. It gives me purpose and connects met to the power of all that is. This is magic. I feel so lucky to feel intimately connected to that magic every day. Because of this magic, I am able to thrive in good times, embrace vulnerability, face fear, and trust that all is and will be as it is meant to be.

My WIFE

My wife and I split the lion's share of the household work on a daily basis. We wake up in the morning, she lets out the chickens and feeds all the animals while I brush my teeth, wash my face, and get dressed. Then she does her daily grooming, while I wake up our girls and help them through their morning routine. Then my wife head's upstairs and makes lunches. I join her when the girls are dressed and start to cook breakfast. Our mornings are full of constant and continuous support. I have done the morning routine without my wife several times and it really means waking up an hour earlier. We lean on each other a lot. This is just the practical support, however. She is also my best friend- the one I come to when I am beside myself in grief and need to be understood and the one that I just love to talk to about my day. She is my sounding board, my confident, and she reminds me that there is still magic in the world. She helps me to see myself more clearly and this allows me to be the parent and person that I want to be most of the time. When I'm not that person, she still hears me and loves me and this helps me forgive myself when I can't seem to keep things going the way I would like to.
My wife and I have date nights every Friday. It is an extravagance that we can't really afford in many ways, but we have learned that we can't afford not to do it. Without that time to regroup, connect, and remember why we adore each other so much, our relationship is reduced to that of being partners in running a household and that doesn't feel good.  When we miss a date night we can feel it for an entire week... Things feel strained, there is more resentment and frustration in the air, and we just seem to be more tired. Day night is a major support for me, my wife, and our relationship, for sure!

My BABYSITTER

Our sitter's name is Ashley. She is absolutely a member of the family. She is one of the few people that we trust our children with and we know that our kiddos love being with her every Friday. She travels with us for next to nothing when we travel, when I fall behind in laundry, I will come home to find that she has washed and folded everything, and she even feeds, bathes, loves, and plays with my kids. The peace of mind that I get from her weekly presence is huge. I am endlessly grateful for her and can't imagine our family without her even though she is only here once a week.

My FAMILY

My parents and my sister are a huge part of our family's support system. They provide emotional support, the bolstering that only family affection, fun, and connection can afford, friendship, and a support system of caring people to care for and over our two girls. In addition, my parents generously help us pay for our children's extracurricular activities and are paying for me to go to school! They are generous and I couldn't do this without them.

What would I do without them?

Wow. It is terrifying to think what I would do without them. I know that the spiritual support that I gain from my own spiritual practice cannot be taken away from me and I would like to believe that if I lost any of the other pieces, I would be able to use the tools that I have in that department to see myself through. Still, I know all too well that when my wife is away and I am home with two kids, work, and graduate work, it is VERY HARD. I don't sleep much. I have to work very hard not to be a grouchy, sour parent. I carry around a ton of guilt as a parent, as well. The stress tends to get the better of me. If this were a prolonged experience I don't know that I would be able to finish graduate school, which would cause me to lose my job potentially. My wife is a huge support to me.

If my family weren't there to support me, I would almost never have emergency childcare. I wouldn't be able to afford for my kids to take swim lessons and go to camps this Summer. My kids wouldn't know the feeling of having a large family circled around you loving you and neither would I. I would have missed a lot of doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, and emergency childcare issues would have always meant leaving work, which would have negatively affected my practice. Again, I am so very grateful.

I know just what it would be like to live without my sitter because I did it for years. It meant my marriage was strained. It made my life feel a lot like running in a hamster wheel- continuous, round-the-clock, constant caring for others can be really tough on anyone. One evening a week to be an individual is life saver. Again, I am so grateful!

Imagining the Challenge of Another Child in the Family...

I often imagine what it would be like if we had another baby in our family. I am nearly forty and so the question of whether or not to become a family of five comes up frequently. It's tough, though. There aren't any practical reasons to have a third child that I can see, only practical reasons not to. The only reason to want to have one is love. So, what would happen if we did have another baby? Who and what would support us?

Well, there are a lot of support systems and support people that are already in place that would continue to support us, for sure. My wife would support me in all the ways that she already does, plus she would likely take on more childcare duties with our two older daughters. My daughters would still me in school and this would support my family by teaching them and enriching their lives on so many levels, providing them with a social outlet, and stability during a time of change. Their schools would also provide us with much needed childcare. My parents, sister, and babysitter would help by providing childcare, cooking meals, and being emotional support, as well. My spiritual practice would be of vital importance and my years of experience working with babies would be a huge support, too. I would also be supported by the knowledge that if I was for some reason suddenly to become unable to provide for my family, I know my parents would do everything to make sure that we landed back on our feet financially and emotionally. It is a great comfort to know that you have family that won't allow you to fall too far. 

We would probably face our biggest challenges with childcare and the need to the baby in childcare at an early age. I was financially able to be home for a good long time with my first two kids or at least to work part time, but that would be unlikely so it's hard to say how we would work things out for childcare. I am very afraid of leaving my little ones with anyone but family, so this would be a huge challenge for me. It would also be a huge challenge to budget our money in order to have enough from our current income to live in the standard to which we have become accustomed. We would likely need to create a new budget to support us.

Luckiest Woman Around...

When it comes down to it, I really can't believe how lucky I am to be supported in the ways that I am. Yes, I could use a day off here and there. Yes, I could use a nice, long all-expenses-paid vacation! But, better than that, I have constant love and support, an incredible family, physical comfort, health, happiness, gorgeous, happy and healthy children, and an incredible marriage! I live in the most beautiful place I can imagine and I am surrounded by incredible wildlife and the ocean. When I get blue, I can jog to the coast and watch the ocean waves crash in, catch a seal or a dolphin playing in the surf, and breath in cold, crisp ocean air. My life is good. I am grateful- so very grateful. I am supported by every aspect of my life and I will try to embrace that and appreciate it every day of my life... Even on days like today when my daughter spills an entire jar of paint on the rug, draws on the furniture, and whines way too much... Because this is the good stuff. This time that I am living in is the meat in the sandwich of my life, if you will! And while that is a clunky metaphor, I say it to myself all the time. As my seven-year-old said to me the other day, "Mommy- don't bother being grumpy. Just have fun.. Because all we have is right now. Later just keeps moving away from us." Smart cookie, that one.

My Connections to Play

"The true object of all human life is play."

-G.K. Chesterton

"Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold."

-Joseph Chiton Pearce

"A child loves his play, not because it's easy, but because it's hard."

-Benjamin Spock

"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellectual but by the play instinct."

-Carl Jung

"The opposite of play is not work. It's depression."

-Brian Sutton-Smith, MD

"Play allows us to develop alternatives to violence and despair; it helps us learn perseverance and gain optimism."

-Brian Sutton-Smith, MD

My Favorite Play Tools from Childhood:

I grew up in an olive orchard. The trees were amongst my best friends as they transformed into bridges to new worlds, safe haven, fairy houses, octopus-monsters, fantastic places to hide treasures, or the only one who understood my deepest sadnesses. I swear those trees understood me, healed me when I was sad, and made me feel much less alone in the world. I still miss them.

When I was a child I was always barefoot. I lived on 200 acres of farmland and I roamed it barefoot and free. The textures that I felt- a hot dust in the fields, sharp rocks in the driveway, the particular prickle of bark, the cold wet relief of the reservoir or creek, the super squish of mud on a hillside all transported me to new worlds!

We had a creek that ran through our property, under the driveway, and to the reservoir. Sometimes it was dry and other times it was a terrifying, rush of speedy water certain to take you down and threaten your life. My sister and I played for hours and hours in there. It became a bomb shelter, the only escape from danger, our home, a rabbit burrow, you name it. I look back on how high and fast that water was moving and can't believe that I was allowed to play there. Playing in places like this, however, helped me to understand how to negotiate risk, face my fears, and build my confidence.

Support For Play in My Childhood

As I mentioned before, I grew up on hundreds of acres of farmland. My parents divorced early on and both lived on large amounts of land. My older sister and I were allowed to roam free through all of that land from an early age. I recently asked my mother if she worried about us back then when she didn't know where we were for some many hours of the day. She simply replied, "No. It was a different time." It was indeed. We lived in the middle of no where, so there would be no fear today of stranger dangers like there would be in an urban or suburban place, but today I still believe that most parents would worry about their children being out and about alone for that long. There were rattle snakes, rushing creeks, and plenty of trees to fall out of. There were tractors with sharp blades, a grumpy bull, and hornets nests. We learned to negotiate these risks each day and we both survived. I believe the greatest support of my play, besides that that I received from my constant play companion (my sister), was that my parents gave me this freedom. They trusted my capabilities and let us follow our fun. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I was also a very silly child. I liked to do shows, make up nonsensical songs and languages, and where ridiculous costumes and clothes. I was always encouraged to do this and was given a lot of positive feedback for my dinner time antics. I wasn't forced to sit quietly at the dinner table or even keep my feet off the table. Our evenings were always spent in an environment of fun. I try very hard to replicate this in my house now that I am a mother.

Those dinner time antics have had a huge affect on my adult life, as well. I spend my twenties in the circus, where I was paid to play and be laughed at, just like I was at the dinner table, all day long. I was a clown (think Lucille Ball, not Bozo) and an aerialist. I was afraid of heights just as I was afraid of the rushing water in the culvert, but I climbed high and flew on a trapeze or bounced on bungies every day. The joy of that kind of play and the lessons that it has taught me about what life is really about, what happiness is and isn't, and how to use play to inspire creativity and knock down walls in your life, have been invaluable to me. When I injured my shoulder and could no longer do professional trapeze work, my focus shifted to working in birth, with babies, parents, and children, and I found that a well-developed sense of play, and the vulnerability that comes with that, were my greatest tools. They allow me to connect with people- not just children, who are afraid, traumatized, embarrassed, or exhausted. My ability to laugh at myself disarms people and helps them to laugh at themselves to. All of the most wonderful, exciting, and inspiring achievements of my life have been born of the creativity that is born of play.

Perhaps the most rewarding aspect of my fairly well-developed relationship to play, is that of how play bonds my daughters and I... even my whole family. We are currently in Washington State for my grandmother's funeral and after a day of going through her things and feeling fairly heavy, we retired to our rooms and had a knock down, drag out wrestling, pillow fighting, hug-monstering, laughing, running, chasing, falling, rough housing session with both my daughters, my wife, my mom, my dad, our off duty babysitter and friend, and me! Play is the tool that helps reconnect me to my kids when they are disconnecting and becoming withdrawn. It is the tool that helps me create, the tool that brings me happiness, the tool that reminds my wife why she fell in love with me. Play is not only enlivening, strengthening, and bonding, it is also healing. I agree with G.K. Chesterton, play is the true object of life!

Relationship Reflection

Many in our culture define themselves by their achievements, their career, or their goals. Many of us do this happily and then, upon starting a family, find ourselves in the midst of an identity crisis. I have seen this over and over again in my work as mothers have to let go of their identity as a waitress, a doctor, or a shoemaker, if only for a brief time, and surrender to the unknown title, "Mom". And in that moment we go from defining ourselves by our job to defining ourselves by our relationship. This quickly can get tough as many moms, including me, feel confined by being defined by our relationship with one or two people. Over time, I have come to realize that I am happiest when I define myself in relationship to myself. While my relationships to my daughters, my wife, my mother, my father, step-father, sister, and friends all shape my life, the most important relationship will always be my relationship to myself. Pardon me if that sounds too "woo woo" or self-helpy, but I really do find it to be true. If I don't take care of myself, who will? If I don't make myself happy, who will? I try to always be conscious and check in with myself throughout my day and make sure that I am being authentically myself and living in energy and values that I feel good about. From there, the rest of my relationships have the space to blossom. Historically, I have had a tendency to care for everyone else first, but in my work with mothers, not even so much in being a mother, that I have seen the importance of taking care of my relationship with myself. Sometimes I have to frame it in the context of modeling the kind of relationships with self that I want my girls to learn from me and sometimes it's just joy, but working with moms has taught me that if I want good relationships in my life, I have to start within... To put the gas mask on myself, so to speak, before putting it on others. Then I am better equipped to do the good in the world that I want to do and to love and nurture my relationships to the best of my ability.


I am tremendously lucky to have so many incredible relationships in my life. My relationship with my wife, Joan, my two daughters, my sister, my mom, my step-dad (Papa), my dad, and all my girlfriends bring me more joy than anything else in my life.

My wife and I were lucky enough to really experience love at first sight. We fell for each other hard and fast, though complicating factors kept us apart for nearly a year. We were born twenty hours apart and in some ways, finding each other was like meeting someone from your home planet when you have been living as an alien for all of your life. But our likeness is actually what brings us more troubles than anything else as we butt heads and grapple to get control over the many aspects of marriage and family that we can never hope to control. Our differences, however, seem very complimentary. Overall, what has kept our relationship strong and made our relationship a true partnership is our constant willingness to be vulnerable to each other, get uncomfortable, and do the work needed to move forward. I can honestly say that after ten years of being together, we have finally hit the point where one person can get triggered and mad, lash out a little, and the other one can usually just listen, understanding from experience where that person is coming from. We are actually able to say, "OK. You're right. I didn't think about it that way. Sorry. I'll work on that." What a huge feat!! It wasn't always like that and I know we will grapple horns again, but our commitment is strong and we have more than one time realized that neither of us is going anywhere so we can either look at the tough stuff, get uncomfortable and learn, or we can be miserable together for the rest of our lives!!!

My relationships with my girls have always been based in honesty. My wife and I sat down before they were born and decided to create a sort of manifesto of parenting; to decide what are guiding parenting principles would be before things got hard. We had no idea what we were doing, but we decided that telling the truth would be the way to go when in doubt. As a result, at four and six, our kids could tell you the details of what a sperm and egg do, tell you how often their Mommy and Mama fight, and what  my biggest fears are. I think this principle has served us well. It has led us to always listen to their truth, to tell the truth about how we are feeling when we are ready to explode and can't be good parents (rather than just yelling or punishing out of exasperation), and to very close connections. We hold our girls very close, but make a point of setting strong limits so that they can learn exactly what they are capable of. The power of our relationship comes from intense love, a willingness to be vulnerable all around, honesty, and a lot of hard work. My girls are the light of my life. They are really my everything. I didn't know joy could be this big!

My relationship with my mom is probably to blame for all this goodness in my life! :) My mom is my constant. She is the one who is always there for me and always has been. She is the one who made me feel like I was the most important person in the world when I was little and she is the one who is always  and she still does. She adores and worships my girls as only a grandma can. She accepts my unconditionally. I am beyond lucky. It's hard to imagine what my life would look like or how I would see the world with out her love, caring, generosity, and faith in me. I am truly blessed. This is my sweet mom with my oldest daughter doing some serious vacationing.

Growing up as a younger sibling, I grew accustomed to observing and learning from my sister mistakes. I became a student of relationships early one. Relationships have always been what I love. I was the peacemaker in my family- always seeing things from every one's perspective and finding ways to communicate, disarm, and remind people of compassion. I've been working on connecting people ever since. After years of observation, several failed relationships, and lots of hard work, I have plenty to say about relationships and what makes them work. These days I am convinced that the essential ingredient in a positive relationship that is too often missing in our culture, is embracing vulnerability. We live in a culture obsessed with certainty and getting to the next goal or place. We have trouble just being and sitting and being still. With that resistance, we have lost our ability to sit in the unknown and to be vulnerable. I have noticed that so many moms, myself included, will have a moment of watching their sleeping child with bliss only to find themselves overwhelmed with horrible images in their mind of losing their child and being devastated. The joy is blocked by fear. I think this is because we are not cultivating our ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the gate way to courage and courage is the gate way to all the good stuff! It allows us to live consistently in our highest self, to embrace joy, and have faith that even if something tough happens, we will be okay. In marital relationships I think cultivating vulnerability is even more vital as it is so easy to build a wall of to do lists, children's activities, and laundry. What is more vulnerable than trying to emotionally connect with a partner who is just not available? It's tough. But I'd rather be uncomfortable sometimes, cry sometimes, tell the truth, and ask for what I need, than live with a wall around me that blocks out joy!

This assignment asked me what special quality might shift a relationship into a partnership. I think the difference is a sense of  longevity, trust, and togetherness. Will this stand next to you, trust in your capabilities, and stick around a while? If so, they might well be a partner. I suppose their also needs to be a mutual interest, as well. In the context of education, I can definitely a teacher forming a partnership in learning about each other, life, and academics would help propel a child forward and grow her/his self-esteem. Parents can also be great partners. My mother definitely feels like a partner of mine in many respects, and my girls are certainly partners in crime!

So how does this insight and learning that I now carry going to help me as an early childhood professional? Well, how is it not? Relationships are at the heart of all learning and people are built to thrive in connection with each other, so any wisdom that we all bring to the table on the topic of relationships can only serve to help us. My life has taught me to listen more than I talk, to give when I get, to teach when I learn, to be vulnerable to the greatness of life, and to embrace my failures as just the lessons that I need. All of these lessons serve me every day in my career. And further, one of the things that I celebrate most about working in this field is that the children and adults that I work with teach me more than I could ever learn in my own relationships. The objectivity that I gain from being on the outside allows me to see things I am blind to in myself. I can then transfer the learning to my own life and everyone in my family benefits. I then pass it on to the other parents and children that I work with and the light becomes contagious! But if I had to pick one thing that I have taken from my personal relationships that has taught me and helped me the most in my work, it would undoubtedly be the power of genuine listening. My work taught me what listening is- not merely sitting and being quiet when someone talks, but absorbing the meaning and witnessing them and holding the intention that they are absolutely capable of healing this themselves if only someone would see and hear them for who they authentically are. The more listening I listen, the better at it I get and the more present I get and the more I realize that I am just beginning to understanding what real listening is. After all, we all just want to be seen, heard, and loved unconditionally for who we are right now at this very moment, right?

Favorite Quotes about Early Childhood & Special Thanks

Encouraging the expression of feelings is healthy. It helps eliminate guilt and promotes honesty. If, by contrast, your child is told, "Don't say that. That's not nice," he won't feel comfortable about expressing himself. Rather, he may feel guilty about his feelings because his parent thinks they're "not nice." Don't manipulate your child's feelings by saying, "Why are you so grumpy? Smile for Mommy." Give him permission to feel the way he does. People go to therapy because they were not allowed to express what they felt as children. Somebody in their past said, "That's not all right." ~ Magda Gerber

I love this quote. It brings together so many principles that I hold dear as a parent, a parenting educator, a postpartum doula, a sleep consultant, and a person. Subtle and not-so-subtle messages of shame are handed to our children every day as parents, caregivers, and teachers try to teach them to stuff their feelings down and act "appropriately." So few of us had parents with the information or tools to allow us to express our feelings as children. As a result, when our children show big emotions, we become uncomfortable and try to shut them down. Then we wonder why our children don't confide in us with their deep secrets and fears when they enter the vulnerable phase of adolescence. It may be hard at first, but when I child gets upset, all we need to do is listen. In my experience, listening allows children to work out deep feelings of fear and anxiety and emerge restored, loving, and connected. This approach allows children to heal themselves, feel powerful and optimistic, build resilience, and build trust in their relationship with the one listening to them. When I first learned about these techniques from Hand in Hand Parenting (www.handinhandparenting.org), I was shocked to see that when one of my daughters emerged from a fit after getting kind attention from me, we both felt so bonded and so much love. Finally, I had figured out how to get through these outbursts. The answer was right in line with Magda's ideas... Wait, be patient, and let your child show you the way through! 


"9. Before you nag, remind, criticize, advise, chime in, or over-explain, say to yourself ‘W.A.I.T’ (Why am I talking?) Listen four times more than you talk." -Wendy Mogel,PhD

This quote was taken from Wendy Mogel's Overparenting Anonyomous: ATwenty Six Step Program for Good Parents Gone Bad. I think Magda Gerber would have liked it, too. Many of us, myself especially, try so very hard to do everything right, but as we struggle to figure out what that is we talk and talk and talk and talk. When we finally get to the point we were trying to make, our children have left the building and there thoughts are on their legos or their homework or how entirely annoying we are. How many ideas have our children forgotten they wanted to share because we wouldn't stop talking? Do our children sometimes avoid talking to us about important issues because we focus so much on fixing their problems that we forget to stop and listen? LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. And when in doubt, listen again. It makes children feel powerful, seen, important, and valuable. This helps build resilience and trust in you. And, of course, this lesson applies to all caregivers and teachers, in my opinion. Feel like you're talking too much? You probably are. :)

Thanks to all!

-Lauren

THANK YOU'S....

Oh my dear, Stephanie! I am so grateful for you! It can be so incredibly lonely doing this program online without all of the protective positive benefits of in-person relationships that we read so much about in this program! But I always know that you are there if I'm confused, frustrated, or just need to know someone else is going through this, too. Thank you for your sense of humor, your intelligent, well-rsearched, and interesting posts, your friendship, and your support. I am terrified that I will lose touch by taking the next eight weeks off, but I am holding the intention that sometime soon, you will take a break, and we will end up on the same track again.
Until then, THANK YOU and please stay in touch!
With loads of gratitude and cheer,
Lauren

Machaela!
I love this part of the course when I get to take a moment to sing your praises and thank you for being such a powerful, kind, and inspiring colleague and friend. When I have a question, am worried about the course, or just need a really well thought and inspirational Discussion post to respond to, you are my lady! I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart and hope that some day we will meet and get to have that drink together! Doing your master's online, as you know, can be very isolating and I receive constant comfort knowing you are out there with me. 
I am taking am taking 8-weeks off to regroup, but really hope that we end up back on the same timetable soon. It won't be the same without you.
With loads of gratitude,
Lauren

Standardized Testing Alternatives and What We Can Learn From Finland

Through my course of study, it has become abundantly clear that one thing that is commonly accepted and acknowledged in current educational theory is that children development in the context of relationships (National Council on the Developing Child, 2004). Relationships protect children (and their development) from the various potentially toxic forms of stress, and children thrive cognitively, socially, physically, and emotionally when they are connected to positive, loving people (Berger, 2012: Hartzell et al, 2011). It also seems quite clear that the educational system, which focuses largely on competition and standardized test scores, is in a state of crisis (Berger, 2012: Smidt, 2013). Perhaps this is because with the United States' cultural emphasis on independence, achievement of personal excellence, and competition, mistakes were made with implementation of programs like merit-based No Child Left Behind that move away from addressing the whole child, including the piece about emphasizing relationships as an essential building block of education (Neil, 2012; Strauss, 2011). Standardized tests seem to measure only how well one certain child is capable of taking a standardized test at one moment in time. Children learn in different ways and these tests do not take this into account. Does that mean we should abandon standardized tests? If so, should we adopt a different form of assessment or is assessment not helpful? What alternatives to standardized testing should we use?

In my exploration and research to answer these questions, I found that Finland's education system was brought up as a place to look for answers to these and many other questions (Neil, 2012; Strauss, 2011, 2012). In Finland, teacher's are very well educated, respected, and trusted. It is difficult to get into teaching programs and all teachers in Finland study rigorously for five years and graduate with nothing less than a Master's degree. The emphasis in education is on equity and making sure that every child and every school is on equal footing. Teachers are not help to a rigorous, specific standard and children are not given standardized tests until they are exiting high school and are tested for college entrance. Teachers are able to adapt the curriculum to each student's interests and needs. Parents are consistently connected to the learning process as well. Finland, as a result, has an extremely well educated population and fifteen year old Finnish students have consistently tested above most all nations in reading, mathematics, and science. It is tempting to say, then, that the U.S. should simply imitate Finland? Well, that may not be entirely true as Finland also has a completely different social welfare system with under 4% of their children living in poverty (compared to the U.S's 22%), a very effective and accessible health care system, and education is viewed as an obvious priority that serves a public purpose (Strauss, 2012). The idea of competition between teachers for merit-based money, for example, seems ludicrous to the Finnish as teachers are supposed to be working together to solve the problems that arise in the classroom. Still, Finland does indicate that, perhaps, if our priorities can change in the United States, standardized tests are unnecessary (Neil, 2011, Strauss, 2012). 

In the meantime, since the United States isn't likely to have the change of heart or the resources reprioritize completely, are there any alternatives to standardized testing that could serve the purpose of assessing children to make sure that they are getting the education that they deserve and that children aren't being left behind? One alternative is that of portfolio based assessment (Peterson et al, 2014). Though there are many different ideas about the exact application of this concept, the basic idea of portfolio assessment is that teachers keep their students work in a portfolio. Students and teachers reflect on the quality and the progression of the work over the term. Some then use a system to measure the quality and progress. Random samplings are also used in some schools to measure the school or class as a whole. The benefit of this system is that it allows children and teachers to reflect on each individual students way of learning and to assess the areas of study that could use some attention and reevaluation of teaching style. It also takes into account students' abilities at different times and in different contexts rather than students' abilities to take a certain test at a certain time (Peterson et al, 2014).

Neill (as quoted by Strauss, 2012), discusses this same idea under a different name, calling it "performance-based assessments". In New York City, the New York Performance Standards Consortium, a grouping of 28 high school, tested this approach of assessing high school students. The student body of the schools reflected the same demographics as the city, itself, though the student bodies, on average, had lower socio-economic status that most NYC public high schools. The schools also used project-based learning. The results were that this type of assessment succeeded in areas where standardized tests tend to fail, and the Consortium students were more likely to graduate and get into college (Strauss, 2014). This suggests to me that both this type of testing, which takes into account more of each individual students abilities over time, was very success. This shifting of testing and teaching style takes into greater account each students interests and needs, as well. I would be willing to bet that part of this success is due to the fact that this type of learning takes into account different students' learning styles and interests, thus helping students to feel heard and connected to their teachers. In other words, by having quality relationships with their teachers through a more adaptable curriculum, students are better able to learn. Again, children learn and thrive in the context of their relationships (NSCDC, 2004).
It seems clear to me that there is reform needed in the US. Finland offers wonderful ideas about some great ways that restructuring our priorities as a culture can affect the learning of our children. I would like to see changes in our educational system that take the emphasis off of standardized testing and merit-based compensation and onto building the quality of teacher's education and compensation, as well as on valuing relationships, equity, and building trust within the school system. Project-based learning and performance based assessment or portfolio based assessments would be a great place to start.

References

Berger, K.S. (2012). The developing person through childhood (Sixth edition). New York, NY: Worth Publishers.

 Hartzell, M. & Siegel, D. (2014). Parenting from the inside out: how a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. New York, NY: Penguin.

National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2004). Young children develop in an environment of relationships. Working Paper No. 1. Retrieved from http//www.developingchild.net

Neil, M. (2012, November 2). An alternative to standardized testing for student assessment The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2012/11/02/an-alternative-to-standardized-testing-for-student-assessment/

Peterson, B. & Neill, M. (2014). Alternatives to standardized testing. Retrieved from http://www.rethinkingschools.org/restrict.asp?path=archive/13_03/assess.shtml.

Smidt, S. (2013). The developing child in the 21st  century: A global perspective on child development (2nd edition). New York: Routledge.

Strauss, V. (2011, October 13). Ravitch: why finland's school are great (by doing what we don't). The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/post/ravitch-why-finlands-schools-are-great-by-doing-what-we-dont/2011/10/12/gIQAmTyLgL_blog.html

Strauss, V. (2012, April 17). What the u.s. can't learn from finland about education reform. The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/post/what-the-us-cant-learn-from-finland-about-ed-reform/2012/04/16/gIQAGIvVMT_blog.html.

Consequences of Stress on Children's Development

In this assignment, my colleagues and I were asked to identify a stressor from a long list of stress factors that can impede a child's development and discuss an instance in our lives or the life of someone that we know and how it affected us/them. I have been thinking about this assignment all week, and certainly have a lot of people in my life that I could use as examples, but I, have to admit, I feel uncomfortable telling people's stories on the internet. So many of my loved ones read this blog and I really do fear disrespecting my loved ones by using them as examples.

So, what I have chosen to do is take them all into account and write about what I see in terms of how things have affected my friends' development. I have had friends and acquaintances who have suffered plenty of very severe stress. I think most of us have experienced toxic stress either personally or with those we love. The types of stress that I have seen in the ones I love and hold dear include neglect,  poverty, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and mental abuse. Though it is entirely hard to anecdotally measure the consequences of each of my friends' stresses in childhood and still keep in mind that their own individual temparment and all other variable in check, I can say that the consequences have included the development of multiple personality disorder, drug addiction, risky sexual behavior, tending to get into relationships with unsafe people, alcoholism, eating disorders, and more. On the other end of the spectrum, however, is the reality that most of the people that I knew as a child who experienced intense stress throughout their childhood had a rough patch through their twenties, dealing with depression, lack of motivation, or too much "partying", and then seemed to come out the other side in their thirties becoming active, motivated, successful, and relatively happy people. My friends who experienced intense neglect or phsyical, sexual, or mental abuse by a parent seem to have been the worst off and went some suffered from severe depression and mental illness. Even those friends, however, came out the other side with treatment. Why is this?

Well, I guess I believe that it is largely do to the plasticity of human kind. We can change and adapt to the circumstances we are given. It is also important to point out that I grew up in an upper middle class world (though a great deal of my friends did not) and most of the parents in these dramas were educated, of sound financial means, and white. The kids were also going to schools that offered fairly good support systems. Most of them had at least one strong, loving relationship with someone in their family to protect them from and buffer the abuse of any offender that might have been within thier household. All of them, including those who did not have safe connection at home, had created amazing bonds with their friends, however. Perhaps that is why so many of them were able to turn it around or never be too affected in the first place. Perhaps their own protective optimism stuck around for a while past the school years and allowed them to find kindred spirits who could offer to help them pretect their development through loving them and providing protective relationships with them. Perhaps.

Post Traumatic Stress and Children after Hurricane Katrina

My mother grew up in New Orleans. I visited my great grandmother there as a young child and returend for Mardi Gras annually for a good portion of my childhood. So, when we were asked to pick a region that we have an affinity for and look at the stressors that their children face and how it is dealt with, New Orleans immediately popped into my head. Of course, when one thinks of stressor on families and children, one cannot help but immediately jump to the affects of Hurrican Katrina that wiped out much of Loiuisiana in August, 2005. The hurricane caused massive devastation and children and their families suffered severe loss of their homes, their communities, their possessions, pets, and, for some, their loved ones. They suffered the stress of the terrifying experience of this violent hurrican, and, as if that wasn't enough, the real stress came afterwards when families were left homeless and without vital resources. Many families were forced to relocate 2, 3, 4, even 9 times! Not surprisingly, about half of the children who lived through Hurrican Katrina are thought to have PTSD (Tull, 2012). When I set out to find informationon this topic, I wasn't suprised to find loads of studies of the affects of Hurricane Katrina on kids and the prevalence of PTSD and depression. What I was saddened to find was that it was hard to find information on what type of help these children had and have. I can only assume that is because there wasn't that much- certainly not enough. What I did find was that there were people from Unicef there attempting to provide psychosocial (Snider et al, N.D.). I also found one study that said that the majority of children suffering from PTSD post Katrina saw a reduction in symptoms with treatment through schools and clinics, but it was very vague (Tull, 2012). I was hearteded, however, to find that there are a lot of scientists studying the disaster in order to assess how to better deal with a huge emergency like this and how to create prepackaged psychosocial emergencies plans for natural disasters and the like.

References:

Snider, L, Hoffman, Y, Littrell, M., Fry, W., & Thornburgh, M. (N.D.) Supporting children after  hurricane katrina: reflections on psychosocial principles in practice. Retrieved fromhttp://mhpss.net/wp-content/uploads/group-documents/178/1351478256-KatrinaBookChapter-Snideretal..pdf

Tull, M. (2012). The effect of hurrican katrina on children. Retrieved from http://ptsd.about.com/od/causesanddevelopment/a/Katrinachildren.htm.

Breastfeeding

            My experience in the early childhood field is deeply rooted in my experience as a birth and postpartum doula, as well as my years of experience leading new mom support groups. I have witnessed over a thousand mothers’ early journeys into motherhood, and have seen the emotional and physical benefits of breastfeeding first hand in both mothers and babies. So, when we were asked to pick a public health issue that affects child development to discuss in our blogs, breastfeeding was an easy choice. I have seen countless moms and babies in love with each other, gazing into each other’s eyes, connected in every way by their breastfeeding connection. I have seen mother driven nearly to madness as they try to increase their milk supply, work through nipple pain caused by a bad latch, or struggle through recurrent thrush or clogged ducts and mastitis.  I have seen breast milk squirted on clogged tear ducts, scratches from thin baby fingernails, and sore nipples, and seen the almost magical healing affect that it has. Too many of the tough stories I see and hear are rooted in poor postpartum support, misinformation, or lack of education in general… All too much of that poor information is still coming from hospitals and pediatricians, and all too often this misinformation leads to moms giving up on breastfeeding. To add insult to injury, the sense of guilt and defeat that these women carry for giving up is overwhelming.

            In my work as a doula, both pre and post partum, one of my main go-to books is Dr Jack Newman’s Guide to Breastfeeding. Dr. Newman wasn’t always a breastfeeding activist. In fact, he bumped into the field almost by accident. In  1981, after finishing his residency as a pediatrician, Dr. Newman went to Africa and witnessed how devastating bottle feeding was in a culture that was suffering with issues of starvation, contaminated water, poverty, low immunization rates, and a tuberculosis epidemic, amongst other things (Newman, 2003).  Dr. Newman didn’t really understand the intricacies and challenges that breastfeeding could present at that time, but he did realize that breast milk didn’t require mixing contaminated water into it like formula did, that breast milk was made to be exactly what babies need, and that it was free . He also saw the babies were being admitted into the hospital daily for starvation because their mothers weren’t breastfeeding them, but were, instead, struggling to afford to give them formula. So, Dr. Newman became a breastfeeding advocate for the first time (Newman, 2003).

             Upon his return to Canada, Dr. Newman then went on to start several breastfeeding clinics in hospitals in his area and began to realize that breastfeeding is a major public health issue (Newman, 2003). He began to notice that the information being given to new moms in many hospitals was (and is in my experience) quite poor and often illogical. As he put it, “Once I started examining it, I realized the whole system works against mothers and babies breastfeeding. We have stacks of research to show that breastfeeding is important for the health and optimal development of babies, and yet it is too often seen as expendable and unimportant” (Newman, 2003, p.5).  My experience definitely aligns with Dr. Newman’s experience. Few people realize that breastfeeding is not always easy and when women encounter difficulties and have no support, far too many professionals, friends, and family encourage them to quite. I can’t count the number of times that I have heard someone say, “Well, I was raised on formula and I’m fine!” as an excuse for not supporting women and babies who are learning to breastfeed. Formula has its place, but it should be considered a last resort, in my opinion (Newman, 2003).

            Dr. Newman also points out that a pack of cigarettes comes with a label that says the ingredients are known to cause cancer, but when people speak about giving babies formula versus breast milk, they say that breast milk offers benefits for mom and baby that formula does not provide. Dr. Newman says then goes on to say, “If women who were breastfed as infants show (as they did in a recent study) a decrease of 25 percent in breast cancer rates when compared to women fed formula as infants, this can- more accurately- be restated this way: Women who were fed formula as infants had a 33.3 percent increase in breast cancer rates” (Newman, 2003, p.9).  Why is it that this public health issue is always presented in a way that downplays its significance? In fact, the benefits that breastfeeding provides (and formula doesn’t) are vast. Children who were breastfed as babies score higher, on average, on tests of intelligence and development. Babies are less likely to develop diabetes is they are not introduced to cow’s milk until after one year of age. Some researchers have found links between formula and SIDS. Breastfeeding has been shown to decrease chances of developing allergies, asthma, and ear infections. Immunity is also boosted by breastfeeding, and increases the efficacy of vaccines (Newman, 2003). I, myself, breastfed my youngest daughter until she was nearly three years old. During that time, she had very mild eczema that we never thought much of. After I weaned her, she developed severe eczema, respiratory problems, and a huge gamut of food allergies became apparent. While breastfeeding didn’t keep those problems from happening all together, the immune boosting qualities of the breast milk, were what kept her from developing those ailments for her first three years. I am so grateful that I was able to nurse her as long as I did and that she didn’t have to spend those formative years itching horribly and in and out of the hospital.

            The incredible gift that breastfeeding is really came into focus for Dr. Newman when he worked in Africa in the early 1980’s.  A look at breastfeeding in Africa continues to shine a light on the power of breastfeeding today. According to Unicef, three million children under the age of five die each year. Of those, Unicef estimates that hundreds of thousands of lives could be saved if their mother’s were to exclusively breastfeed (2014).  Some of the highest rates of mortality and malnutrition in the world are present in Central and West Africa. 56% of deaths of children under the age of five are due to malnourishment.  Unicef says, “Protecting, promoting, and supporting breastfeeding could be the single most important child survival intervention in the region. Exclusive breastfeeding alone has the potential to avert 13 per cent of all under-five deaths in the region” (2014). While breastfeeding is a part of the culture in all of the regions of West and Central Africa, Unicef estimates that only 20% of babies exclusively breastfeed for the first six months of life. Indeed, the rates of breastfeeding are amongst the lowest in the world. Unicef’s goal is to make breastfeeding education and direct support available to all breastfeeding women through implementation of community support. “This means promoting the benefits of breastfeeding at the community level to ensure that each and every mother is supported.  This includes the creation of community structures such as mother to mother groups, health system support to breastfeeding mothers, health worker, community health worker and lay counselor training, workplace support and assisting breastfeeding mothers affected by emergencies, HIV and other crises” (Unicef, 2014). (I’ve left the links in above, so that you could check out more individual stories on Unicef’s website).

            The story that Unicef paints about breastfeeding in Central and West Africa really speaks to the reality of how tough breastfeeding can be without support. In my experience, many people mistakenly believe that breastfeeding comes easily and naturally and takes no education. For some, that is true, but for so many it takes vigilance, commitment, and lots of support. Even in San Francisco, one of the most liberal areas of the United States, where many moms feel pressure to breastfeed and are embarrassed to bottle-feed in certain circles, the medical world is filled with mixed messages about breastfeeding.  When I was in the hospital six years ago after the birth of my oldest daughter, for example, some nurses would not let me have a breast pump when I couldn’t be with my daughter in order to stimulate my milk coming in. Nurses on other shifts would ask me if I had been pumping and be horrified that I hadn’t. One Neonatal ICU doctor even chastised my wife, telling her she was being “negligent” by not giving our daughter a glucose drip or formula before she was even twenty-four hours old! Even a cursory understanding of lactation would teach you that that is unnecessary! This is not an unusual story. I hear stories like this nearly every day. This is a huge part of the reason that I do what I do. I work to support, normalize, and connect together new moms, so that they don’t feel isolated, have the information and connection that they need to learn and thrive, and so that what they are going through is very common. Breast milk and the experience of breastfeeding are some of the most magical, powerful gifts that a mother and baby can have, and the benefits are vast. If you have a breastfeeding story that you would like to share here, I would love to hear it! Thanks!

All the best,

Lauren

References

Newman, J. and Pitman, T.. (2003) Dr. jack newman’s guide to breastfeeding: the Canadian expert offers the most uo-to-date advice on every aspect of breastfeeding. Toronto, Ontario: Harper Collins.

           

Unicef. (2014) Promoting and protecting breastfeeding. [Website]. Retrieved from http://www.unicef.org/wcaro/english/4501_5055.html.

Birth Stories

Tell you a story about birth?!...

Well, twist my arm! I have been given an assignment to write about birth!! For this birth and postpartum doula, homebirth mother of two, infant sleep consultant, and mommy coach, this is really a dream assignment. I’ve been thinking all week about which birth story I would like to tell, and I decided that I would have to tell two, the two most important birth stories of my life, those of my two daughters.

            My oldest daughter, V, came into the world with a fair amount of drama. I was quite large and everyone had been telling me I was going to pop any day for months. I had a knowing she would come early and at 39 weeks, it felt as though she was never going to come. It turned out I was just waiting for my mom to come into town. My mom had rented a little house to stay in around my due date and we went out to dinner that night. I ate lobster, and my wife drank just a little bit too much wine.

            I went to bed that night expecting nothing, but apparently all I had needed to give my little one the sense that it was time to make her appearance was the comfort of knowing that my mommy was near. I woke up that night around 2am in child’s pose and very crampy. I was tired and didn’t think too much of it, other than, “Well, that ‘s odd! I don’t usually do yoga in my sleep!” I went back to sleep and woke up two hours later in child’s pose again. This time I was getting the feeling that something was happening, but knowing that early labor can be long and the best thing that I could do was rest, I went back to sleep. I woke up at 7:00 in child’s pose again, but having some mild contractions. I woke up my wife, Joan, and let her know about my nocturnal yoga posing and let her know that it was probably the big day.

            My wife was just slightly hung over, as I mentioned, and we knew that I needed to get some good food in my body, so we decided to go out to breakfast. We gave the midwife a head’s up phone call and went about our business. I had contractions as we were getting ready and was really intimidated by how tough they were, but I knew that this was only the tip of the iceberg, so I did my best to keep going. I felt a wave of intensity and a desire to escape my body. We soon got in the car and drove out of our little canyon. By the time we reached the highway (about three minutes) I had had two contractions. We thought it a fluke and kept going, but contractions continued to grow in intensity and length, as well as frequency. We turned the car around. Joan drove us to Starbuck’s instead because she knew she was going to need coffee, at least.  I was not willing to be alone and went with her into Starbucks! I had a contraction against a pole outside, as well as one that started in line and ended in the bathroom. We went home after that.

            The whirlwind that follows from this point is hard for me to retell in any sort of linear fashion. I was in active labor, for sure. My acupuncturist, midwife, mom, sister, and the assistant midwife were soon there with us. I remember trying to get away from the pain and thinking my doula/assistant midwife was crazy when she told me to “move towards the pain.” I remember trying to sit on the toilet and it being too excruciating to bear.  I don’t remember how I ended up naked, but mamas always seem to, and I was no exception. I remember my midwife having me walk the stairs and vomiting on the stairs and knowing somewhere in my far away doula brain that I was in transition. I remember the shower- the glorious shower! It was in the shower that I was able to get in front of the pain, if that makes sense. It was then that I decided that I could do this and, if I was going to do it, I was going to do it with gusto.  I started doing deep squats and then standing up and pulling one leg at a time up into my armpit. I’m a dancer, so I’m pretty flexible and it was a very big range of motion. In my head, each squat and leg lift was pulling my cervix open around the baby’s head like a turtle neck sweater. The water made it tolerable and I felt powerful for the first time. And then the hot water ran out.

            I then remember hours of being on all fours on a blue tarp in my bedroom with so much pain in my back. I remember my mom pushing on my back, my wife everywhere at once (in a good way), and my acupuncturist putting needles in to keep labor moving. It seemed unfathomable that the pain would not kill me and that I had to face it again as each wave came into me. But the waves came and I survived, and after a few hours, I learned to open to it. I learned the art of sweet surrender. All the time I knew that I was well taken care of.

             I tried to get in the birth tub, but immediately wanted to push. My midwife checked me and I was only at 7cm and could not, so I got out and went back to laboring on the ground.  Later I got back in the tub and felt some relief and release. I was checked again and was fully dilated. I squatted in my wife’s arms and pushed for what seemed like an eternity. I was really tired. Really tired. Really, really tired. I was far away, too. It was like I was watching myself from another universe. My wife wanted to catch the baby, so she switched places with my mom. My mom held me as, after about forty minutes of pushing, my daughter arrived into my wife’s capable hands. Everyone was joyous as the moment approached. I was far away. I wanted to feel joy and I even had the presence of mind to feel guilty about not feeling joy, but the best emotion available to me was relief. I was just not really in the room, if that makes any sense. Well, read on, and it will.

            Just as V emerged and was handed to me, the umbilical cord spontaneously snapped, spraying blood like a firehouse all over everyone. The midwife got very intense- she sort of calmly panicked, letting the word, “fuck,” slip out of her mouth. The assistant midwife handed her the clamps and all was well quickly. It left a feeling of panic in the room, though. By now a third midwife, a less experienced midwife, had arrived.  She worried that V was not okay, though she was only slightly purplish and pinked up quickly. In retrospect, I think that she was panicked due to the unexpected and very unusual snapping of the cord. I think she expected something to go wrong.

            Meanwhile, we waited for the placenta. After what seemed like an hour of being far away and trying to nurse and sitting in bed disoriented and drunk on my wife and my daughter, my midwife gave me herbs to make the placenta come. It didn’t. She then gave me Pitocin to make the placenta come. No contractions or placenta at all! My body knew better somehow and blocked that Pitocin’s affects for a very long time. At this point our midwife gave us some choices. We could do a manual extraction at home or in the hospital. The risk was hemorrhaging either way, which, of course, is much safer to do in the hospital. So we transported. We left the baby with my mother, which makes me sad now, but we didn’t have enough room in the car for everyone and I needed my wife more than my daughter at that point.

            We drove to the hospital- 12 minutes. I laid in the backseat and the Pitocin finally kicked in. I was ready for drugs now. The baby was out and I felt that I shouldn’t have to be feeling huge contractions anymore! When we got there, they were waiting for us with a wheelchair outside and a team holding doors and elevators for me as they rushed me in. When I stood up to get out of the car I passed a blood clot so big that I thought that I had passed the placenta. No such luck. They attempted to extract the placenta, but it didn’t work and I started to bleed out. I went unconscious and they wheeled me away to do D & C. While all this was happening, our midwife got a call from the 3^rd midwife saying that V is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance because she had had a seizure.  This was before I was unconscious and my midwife and I just looked at each other and knew somewhere deep that it wasn’t true. My wife, on the other hand, thought she was going to lose everything.

            V arrived in the hospital and was monitored for three days. The official diagnosis was “overly concerned grandmother,” which was rude, but very far from a health problem. We later put together that V had an extraordinarily strong Moro reflex. My mom and I both have had seizures in our lives, though I hadn’t been medicated or had any problems with it in many years. But the midwife was new and a bit green and was scared by the snapping cord and she panicked as they were putting V in the car seat and a cold gust of wind came up and she stiffened and startled so dramatically. I believe our history of seizure disorder came into her mind. At least that’s the best I can piece it together. My family’s reaction to this news likely escalated the whole thing and we were off to the races. Regardless, it’s always better to be cautious with homebirth and I can’t be upset with the midwife for doing everything she could to take care of my daughter.

            I came out of surgery fine, but had lost half my blood volume. They wheeled me to the NICU, where I saw V and she actually smiled when she saw me. But I felt like a human anvil and it was hard to even lift my arms. The nurses told me I needed to rest and couldn’t go see my V again until I could stand up. After crying with my wife and swearing we’d never have another baby, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I decided I would see my baby NOW, and attempted to stand up. I stood up for a moment and then toppled. They then gave me a blood transfusion, thank goodness!
            Over the next few days, we found our breastfeeding relationship, despite all of the roadblocks and were lucky enough to take to it quite well. It took me more than a month to feel relatively normal after the blood loss, despite two blood transfusions. V and I bonded quickly, though, and we were inseparable. Our forced separation really affected our early months. I wouldn’t let her out of my sight and she would scream if I left hers. It was a rocky beginning, but, as I’ve gotten to know her, it all makes a lot of sense. Her first word was, “Space!” She is a fiercely independent person and she expressed her need for space the moment she came into this world and magically snapped that cord! Then she needed to get to me, so she found a way to get to that hospital, too. She is an extremely capable, happy, and healthy girl. Incidentally, it only took about three or four days for the oxytocin amnesia to hit and I wanted to have another. ;)

            My youngest daughter’s birth was in every way more gentle and peaceful than her older sister’s. W came ten days early and was born in four hours of gentle labor. And, yes, I did have her at home even after that harrowing first birth experience. I believe mothers should give birth where they feel the safest and having seen what I have, the hospital is not that place for me. There is an increased risk of repeated retained placenta if you have had it once, but my midwife felt the retained placenta was related to the cord snapping and the cord snapping is considered a rare fluke.  So, with a lot of extra precautions, I gave birth at home. I woke up at 3am in labor with W, and, like her sister, it took off quickly. Our midwife was a few hours away at a conference and was about to come back to trade places with her back up so that the back up could go to the conference. They later told me that they could tell that I was in transition at the initial call by the sound of my moans, so the back up came right over. When she arrived she found me sitting on the floor rocking back and forth in our office. “Are we having a baby in here?” she asked. We went upstairs and, to my shock, she said I could already get in the tub. So I sat in the water and rocked, pressing on the inguinal ligament and moaning a low moan, waiting for the real pain to start. It never did. They checked me and I was just shy of fully dilated. A few more minutes and I was ready to go, but didn’t feel ready. My midwife suggested to me that sometimes moms have to decide when it’s time for the baby to come with second babies, which I mistakenly took as a cue that I needed to do that NOW. So I got out, sat on the birthing stool and PUSHED despite not having the urge. In retrospect, I wish I had just waited until the urge came, I suspect it would have been easier. Anyway, I pushed for a half an hour harder than I’ve ever done anything in my life. The bag of water was still intact, so the baby and the bag would come bulging out with each contraction and then go back in. Everyone thought the baby would be born in the caul (with the bag of waters intact). Instead, I finally broke the bag of water, soaking my entire birth team in amniotic fluid! I then said, “I need to take a nap,” and lay down and slept. My wife nudged me and got me to eat a honey stick to bring my blood sugar back up. After a half an hour, the contractions had built back up and woke me up. I promptly kicked most of my birth team out of the room and took my wife’s hands. Just then, V woke up and my mom went down to get her.  I squatted and pushed W out in one push. My wife caught her as the midwife was running to get gloves, while hollering “Catch the baby, Joan!”.

            W let out a little cry, which was the only one we heard for several weeks. She was a mellow thing. V and my mom came upstairs and, after the cord had pulsed out, V cut the cord (with help) at age 2 ½. She then said, “NOW can I get in the birth tub?!”. The placenta emerged within a few minutes gracefully and intact. There were no complications. Just bliss. I got a message from my doula just the other day that someone had asked her what her favorite birth that she had ever attended was. She had promptly said W’s. It really was magical. My wife and I were so connected through the whole thing. There was laughter throughout, and never any sense of heaviness or emergency. W and I were completely in sink. I talked to her throughout.

          I could not be happier that I had two homebirths. As different as they were, they were both filled with just the right lessons that I needed at just the right times. And the joy... Oh, the joy was unprecedented!

Birth In Haiti

            My midwife is a hero of mine. Besides being an incredible midwife and person, she is also an activist working in the United States and in Haiti. Her blog postings, stories, and photos of her work with Midwives for Haiti have been very inspiring to me. So, when I was asked to research birth in another region of the world, I decided to research Haiti.  I have been pretty blown away by what I have found.

            Haiti is a rough place to give birth to say the least. While poverty, sanitation issues, and issues of infectious disease were significant issues in Haiti before the massive earthquake in 2010, they are even worse now (New York Times, 2010). An article in the New York Times from late January 2010 discussed the bleak reality that pregnant Haitian women were facing. According to the times, the United Nations estimated that 15% of pregnant women in areas of Haiti that were affected by the earthquake were likely to face complications that could cost the baby and/or the mother’s life/lives (2010). But even before the earthquake, infant and maternal mortality rates were extremely high in Haiti coming in as the highest in the Western Hemisphere. According the United Nations, in 2010, for every 100,000 women who give birth, 670 die (New York Times, 2010)!! Hepatitis, typhoid fever, and HIV are also large problems in the region (www.indexmundi.com, 2013). Problems with sanitation in both urban and rural areas and many areas don’t have access to clean water. In 2006, child labor rates were at 21% and literacy at 48.7%. Haiti is a country grappling with extreme poverty.

            Birth in Haiti is dangerous and prenatal care is difficult to find, especially in rural areas. The additional blow of the earthquake made things worse for birthing mothers, as well. The high rates of infant and maternal mortality are not surprising given the lack of care, high risk of infectious disease, lack of education, poor sanitation, and lack of access to good quality food and water. Organizations like Midwives For Haiti are working to train men and women as skilled birth attendants so that they may help bring information and care to pregnant women in both urban and rural parts of Haiti. In addition to training midwives, these skilled midwives and birth attendants travel through rural parts of Haiti as a mobile clinic, providing care and information to hundreds of women. Without access to midwives or OB care, many women give birth literally in the dirt. One woman, Ms. Antoine, who gave birth in a crowded, hot hospital tent in 2010 after losing her husband to the quake, said “The street where I live, it’s so dirty; there isn’t enough food or water… I’m scared to bring a baby into this awful situation” (New York Times, 2010).

            Reading these statistics and stories, and hearing from my midwife first hand about the incredible spirit of the Haitian people and the amazing work that her organization is doing, I realize how lucky I am. Not only to be giving birth in a privileged part of the world, but also with the privilege of empowering education and experience that allowed me to make good choices about how and where I would give birth. To have birth options in the first place makes me very fortunate indeed. There may be some similarities between the way that I gave birth at home and the way that many Haitian women give birth at home… Indeed, the process of birth has basic similarities for all women. We squat, walk, moan, yell, cry, hum, and deal with pain in whatever ways we can. At some point, we all learn surrender. But what are the differences? Well, for starters, I had a very skilled attendant and a hospital very close by. I knew that I was being taken care of and was safe. I can barely fathom what it would feel like to give birth knowing that both you and your baby could easily die. And, in my case, if I had given birth at home in Haiti with my first daughter, I would have died, and, perhaps, without me to care for her, she would have, too. Perhaps, more important, is the question of how her development after birth would have been affected by living in Haiti rather than here? If I had lived in Haiti would I have been exposed to typhoid or rubella when I was pregnant? Would V have been born healthy? Would I have had sufficient food to feed her? Would sanitation problems have caused her to fall ill? If she had made it through the early years and months, would she have had the opportunity to learn to read, as she now knows? It is possible, but very unlikely. Relationships protect our children from a lot, but they can’t protect them from everything.

            There are a lot of problems with health care in this country and certainly a lot of birth practices that are sub par in this country, but, overall, we are extraordinarily privileged. I am grateful to women like my midwife, who put their money where their mouths are, and do something to really make some change for people in places that don’t have what we do. My wife and I often talked about volunteering for Midwives for Haiti and travelling to Haiti when our children are grown. I hope that that happens. I would love to share what I know and learn from the incredible midwives and women of Haiti.

Sources:

New York Times article:

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2010/01/29/world/0129BIRTH_index.html

Midwives for Haiti: www.midwivesforhaiti.com

Statistics about Haiti found at: http://www.indexmundi.com/haiti/demographics_profile.html