Reconnecting with Hand in Hand Parenting through Their Website

The website that I have chosen to follow is Hand in Hand Parenting’s website. You can find it at: 

www.handinhandparenting.org.

While I am quite familiar with the organization and use their ideas to teach quite frequently, I have found myself really wanting to reconnect with the information, to learn it on a deeper level, and to refresh my own commitment to slowing down and being present as a mom, so I chose to spend the next seven weeks reading through the many free articles, bits of parenting advice, and explanations of the basic brain science behind a child’s (and an adult’s) emotional behavior.

Hand in Hand Parenting is a non-profit organization that hopes to change the way that parents view their children. By focusing on connection first, which is essentially a child’s first language, you ready the social and emotional portion of the brain to give the go ahead for the portion of the brain that governs impulse control, rational thinking, and short-term memory to kick into action. Conversely, if connection gets too frayed and the social and emotional part of the brain doesn’t feel safe, the small stresses of the world can overwhelm a child’s brain. The child’s behavior goes off track. By rebuilding connection and giving children the space they need to be upset, release the stress hormones that shut down that rational thinking, and just accepting and loving her child for who they are, children have the release they need and return to rational thinking. It is a revolutionary approach that puts brain science before the social norms of reward and punishment. And, in my experience, and my practice, it works!

But I have found that this type of parenting takes constantly mindfulness and sometimes I get a bit rusty and my own upset clogs my thinking and I become that bear that I really don’t want to be! I yell at my kids or, like today, I actually stomp my feet like a frustrated toddler! I say things I regret. Parenting is hard. Today, I was happy to have the assignment of checking in and reconnecting with some of the Hand in Hand tools.

I reviewed a video entitled, “How was School? Fine.” The video is of HIH founder, Patty Wipfler on NBC’s nightly news in the San Francisco Bay Area. She discussed the need to give kids a chance to have a little control and power after a day of being told what to do from start to finish. She also discussed the need to give kids time to reconnect before you start badgering them for information. My oldest daughter is getting older and I have noticed that some of the HIH tools are a little tougher to use. Patty discussed the idea that when children get older, they become more emotionally protected, and it takes a more patient, less obvious, but equally loving approach to kind of go fishing for connection with them. It was really inspiring to me.

If you ‘d like to check out the video, you can do so here:

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/in-the-news/

I hope you find this as helpful as I do!

Thanks!

-Lauren

Establishing Professional Contacts and Expanding Resources

At first read, I have to admit I was a bit nervous about this week's assignment to reach out to international early childhood professionals. My reticence quickly turned to excitement, however, as I started to explore my options. I am sort of smitten by Finland's education system; their lack of standardized testing, huge government support, community approach, and project-based learning really intrigues me.... Not to mention they have just proven that their system works as they continue to be ranked #1 in the developed world for education (www.scholastic.com, 2015). So I set out to try to connect with some Finnish folk. I sent emails via UNICEF, the Finnish National Board of Education, and Center on International Education Benchmarking. For good measure, I also an email to and Irish organization and an Egyptian one, as well. Unfortunately, most of the emails came back with failure messages of some kind. I have yet to hear back from the folks at the Finnish National Board of Education and the Center on International Education Benchmarking, so I have my fingers crossed. If I don't hear back from them over the weekend, I will try to dig deeper and find a few different Finnish early childhood organizations to explore as I really have my heart set on learning more about their flexible, connected way of approaching education. Hopefully, I will have some luck and won't have to move to the alternative assignment.

I decided to go in a very different direction when it came to selecting a website to follow for an organization that supports early childhood in some way. I have long since had an affinity for the organization Parenting by Connection, now renamed Hand in Hand Parenting (www.handinhandparenting.org). They like to fancy themselves a "Parent Rescue Squad," which really resonates with my personal and professional passions. I have used them as a resource in the past and have recently found myself falling behind on their articles and new insights. I've been really frustrated with this since their teachings have enriched my private practice and my parenting so much, so I thought I would use this as an opportunity to catch back up on all of their new information and articles. The wonderful thing about HIH is that all of their teaching are based on basic brain science. Many of their approaches are fairly counter cultural as they do not advocate classic reward and punishment, but instead focus on connection, listening, setting limits, and play. I am a parenting educator and advocate, a pediatric sleep consultant, parenting coach, lactation counselor, and a former birth and postpartum doula. When my oldest daughter was born I had incredibly high expectations of myself and motherhood. I was really devastated by how isolating it actually felt and how much loss I felt, too. I became really passionate about studying postpartum support practices throughout the world and quickly found that the US is so far behind in this area that most parents can't even really imagine what support might look like. I have built my practice up around supporting parents, which I believe is the best way to support children. HIH has an entire area of support that focuses just on how parents can deal with the frustrations of parenthood, so that they can restore their brains to healthy functioning rather than frustrated loops of irrationality (if you are a parent, you will know what I mean). This is a big part of why I want to build my connection to this organization. I'm really excited to learn more and share it will y'all!

Thanks for reading! I look forward to connecting and learning more about all of you!

-Lauren

Daily Supports

I may be one of the luckiest people in the world. When it comes to support, I have a lot of it... On a daily basis I am supported by my wife, my parents, my sister, my children, my network of colleagues, my friends, my clients, my children's teachers, and the administrative staff at my children's schools. And these are only the primary people that support me! I find support on a daily basis from the folks at the grocery store to the postal service to the folks who run the company from whom I buy the internet service that allows me to get my master's degree online. I am supported by my laptop, my iphone, my car, my mechanic, the kindness of stranger's, the crossing guard at my daughter's school, the lady who makes that amazing chai, the farmer's that grow my food, the folks that grow, process and sell the food that feeds my pets, my pets, themselves, and the list goes on and on... My spiritual practices are a huge part of my support system, as well. My mediation practice has kept me happy and healthy for many years and my meditation teacher supports me in a thousand more ways. She, too, helps me remember who I am and what I am here on this planet to do. And the knowledge of what I am supposed to do is perhaps the biggest support of all. It gives me purpose and connects met to the power of all that is. This is magic. I feel so lucky to feel intimately connected to that magic every day. Because of this magic, I am able to thrive in good times, embrace vulnerability, face fear, and trust that all is and will be as it is meant to be.

My WIFE

My wife and I split the lion's share of the household work on a daily basis. We wake up in the morning, she lets out the chickens and feeds all the animals while I brush my teeth, wash my face, and get dressed. Then she does her daily grooming, while I wake up our girls and help them through their morning routine. Then my wife head's upstairs and makes lunches. I join her when the girls are dressed and start to cook breakfast. Our mornings are full of constant and continuous support. I have done the morning routine without my wife several times and it really means waking up an hour earlier. We lean on each other a lot. This is just the practical support, however. She is also my best friend- the one I come to when I am beside myself in grief and need to be understood and the one that I just love to talk to about my day. She is my sounding board, my confident, and she reminds me that there is still magic in the world. She helps me to see myself more clearly and this allows me to be the parent and person that I want to be most of the time. When I'm not that person, she still hears me and loves me and this helps me forgive myself when I can't seem to keep things going the way I would like to.
My wife and I have date nights every Friday. It is an extravagance that we can't really afford in many ways, but we have learned that we can't afford not to do it. Without that time to regroup, connect, and remember why we adore each other so much, our relationship is reduced to that of being partners in running a household and that doesn't feel good.  When we miss a date night we can feel it for an entire week... Things feel strained, there is more resentment and frustration in the air, and we just seem to be more tired. Day night is a major support for me, my wife, and our relationship, for sure!

My BABYSITTER

Our sitter's name is Ashley. She is absolutely a member of the family. She is one of the few people that we trust our children with and we know that our kiddos love being with her every Friday. She travels with us for next to nothing when we travel, when I fall behind in laundry, I will come home to find that she has washed and folded everything, and she even feeds, bathes, loves, and plays with my kids. The peace of mind that I get from her weekly presence is huge. I am endlessly grateful for her and can't imagine our family without her even though she is only here once a week.

My FAMILY

My parents and my sister are a huge part of our family's support system. They provide emotional support, the bolstering that only family affection, fun, and connection can afford, friendship, and a support system of caring people to care for and over our two girls. In addition, my parents generously help us pay for our children's extracurricular activities and are paying for me to go to school! They are generous and I couldn't do this without them.

What would I do without them?

Wow. It is terrifying to think what I would do without them. I know that the spiritual support that I gain from my own spiritual practice cannot be taken away from me and I would like to believe that if I lost any of the other pieces, I would be able to use the tools that I have in that department to see myself through. Still, I know all too well that when my wife is away and I am home with two kids, work, and graduate work, it is VERY HARD. I don't sleep much. I have to work very hard not to be a grouchy, sour parent. I carry around a ton of guilt as a parent, as well. The stress tends to get the better of me. If this were a prolonged experience I don't know that I would be able to finish graduate school, which would cause me to lose my job potentially. My wife is a huge support to me.

If my family weren't there to support me, I would almost never have emergency childcare. I wouldn't be able to afford for my kids to take swim lessons and go to camps this Summer. My kids wouldn't know the feeling of having a large family circled around you loving you and neither would I. I would have missed a lot of doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, and emergency childcare issues would have always meant leaving work, which would have negatively affected my practice. Again, I am so very grateful.

I know just what it would be like to live without my sitter because I did it for years. It meant my marriage was strained. It made my life feel a lot like running in a hamster wheel- continuous, round-the-clock, constant caring for others can be really tough on anyone. One evening a week to be an individual is life saver. Again, I am so grateful!

Imagining the Challenge of Another Child in the Family...

I often imagine what it would be like if we had another baby in our family. I am nearly forty and so the question of whether or not to become a family of five comes up frequently. It's tough, though. There aren't any practical reasons to have a third child that I can see, only practical reasons not to. The only reason to want to have one is love. So, what would happen if we did have another baby? Who and what would support us?

Well, there are a lot of support systems and support people that are already in place that would continue to support us, for sure. My wife would support me in all the ways that she already does, plus she would likely take on more childcare duties with our two older daughters. My daughters would still me in school and this would support my family by teaching them and enriching their lives on so many levels, providing them with a social outlet, and stability during a time of change. Their schools would also provide us with much needed childcare. My parents, sister, and babysitter would help by providing childcare, cooking meals, and being emotional support, as well. My spiritual practice would be of vital importance and my years of experience working with babies would be a huge support, too. I would also be supported by the knowledge that if I was for some reason suddenly to become unable to provide for my family, I know my parents would do everything to make sure that we landed back on our feet financially and emotionally. It is a great comfort to know that you have family that won't allow you to fall too far. 

We would probably face our biggest challenges with childcare and the need to the baby in childcare at an early age. I was financially able to be home for a good long time with my first two kids or at least to work part time, but that would be unlikely so it's hard to say how we would work things out for childcare. I am very afraid of leaving my little ones with anyone but family, so this would be a huge challenge for me. It would also be a huge challenge to budget our money in order to have enough from our current income to live in the standard to which we have become accustomed. We would likely need to create a new budget to support us.

Luckiest Woman Around...

When it comes down to it, I really can't believe how lucky I am to be supported in the ways that I am. Yes, I could use a day off here and there. Yes, I could use a nice, long all-expenses-paid vacation! But, better than that, I have constant love and support, an incredible family, physical comfort, health, happiness, gorgeous, happy and healthy children, and an incredible marriage! I live in the most beautiful place I can imagine and I am surrounded by incredible wildlife and the ocean. When I get blue, I can jog to the coast and watch the ocean waves crash in, catch a seal or a dolphin playing in the surf, and breath in cold, crisp ocean air. My life is good. I am grateful- so very grateful. I am supported by every aspect of my life and I will try to embrace that and appreciate it every day of my life... Even on days like today when my daughter spills an entire jar of paint on the rug, draws on the furniture, and whines way too much... Because this is the good stuff. This time that I am living in is the meat in the sandwich of my life, if you will! And while that is a clunky metaphor, I say it to myself all the time. As my seven-year-old said to me the other day, "Mommy- don't bother being grumpy. Just have fun.. Because all we have is right now. Later just keeps moving away from us." Smart cookie, that one.

My Connections to Play

"The true object of all human life is play."

-G.K. Chesterton

"Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold."

-Joseph Chiton Pearce

"A child loves his play, not because it's easy, but because it's hard."

-Benjamin Spock

"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellectual but by the play instinct."

-Carl Jung

"The opposite of play is not work. It's depression."

-Brian Sutton-Smith, MD

"Play allows us to develop alternatives to violence and despair; it helps us learn perseverance and gain optimism."

-Brian Sutton-Smith, MD

My Favorite Play Tools from Childhood:

I grew up in an olive orchard. The trees were amongst my best friends as they transformed into bridges to new worlds, safe haven, fairy houses, octopus-monsters, fantastic places to hide treasures, or the only one who understood my deepest sadnesses. I swear those trees understood me, healed me when I was sad, and made me feel much less alone in the world. I still miss them.

When I was a child I was always barefoot. I lived on 200 acres of farmland and I roamed it barefoot and free. The textures that I felt- a hot dust in the fields, sharp rocks in the driveway, the particular prickle of bark, the cold wet relief of the reservoir or creek, the super squish of mud on a hillside all transported me to new worlds!

We had a creek that ran through our property, under the driveway, and to the reservoir. Sometimes it was dry and other times it was a terrifying, rush of speedy water certain to take you down and threaten your life. My sister and I played for hours and hours in there. It became a bomb shelter, the only escape from danger, our home, a rabbit burrow, you name it. I look back on how high and fast that water was moving and can't believe that I was allowed to play there. Playing in places like this, however, helped me to understand how to negotiate risk, face my fears, and build my confidence.

Support For Play in My Childhood

As I mentioned before, I grew up on hundreds of acres of farmland. My parents divorced early on and both lived on large amounts of land. My older sister and I were allowed to roam free through all of that land from an early age. I recently asked my mother if she worried about us back then when she didn't know where we were for some many hours of the day. She simply replied, "No. It was a different time." It was indeed. We lived in the middle of no where, so there would be no fear today of stranger dangers like there would be in an urban or suburban place, but today I still believe that most parents would worry about their children being out and about alone for that long. There were rattle snakes, rushing creeks, and plenty of trees to fall out of. There were tractors with sharp blades, a grumpy bull, and hornets nests. We learned to negotiate these risks each day and we both survived. I believe the greatest support of my play, besides that that I received from my constant play companion (my sister), was that my parents gave me this freedom. They trusted my capabilities and let us follow our fun. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I was also a very silly child. I liked to do shows, make up nonsensical songs and languages, and where ridiculous costumes and clothes. I was always encouraged to do this and was given a lot of positive feedback for my dinner time antics. I wasn't forced to sit quietly at the dinner table or even keep my feet off the table. Our evenings were always spent in an environment of fun. I try very hard to replicate this in my house now that I am a mother.

Those dinner time antics have had a huge affect on my adult life, as well. I spend my twenties in the circus, where I was paid to play and be laughed at, just like I was at the dinner table, all day long. I was a clown (think Lucille Ball, not Bozo) and an aerialist. I was afraid of heights just as I was afraid of the rushing water in the culvert, but I climbed high and flew on a trapeze or bounced on bungies every day. The joy of that kind of play and the lessons that it has taught me about what life is really about, what happiness is and isn't, and how to use play to inspire creativity and knock down walls in your life, have been invaluable to me. When I injured my shoulder and could no longer do professional trapeze work, my focus shifted to working in birth, with babies, parents, and children, and I found that a well-developed sense of play, and the vulnerability that comes with that, were my greatest tools. They allow me to connect with people- not just children, who are afraid, traumatized, embarrassed, or exhausted. My ability to laugh at myself disarms people and helps them to laugh at themselves to. All of the most wonderful, exciting, and inspiring achievements of my life have been born of the creativity that is born of play.

Perhaps the most rewarding aspect of my fairly well-developed relationship to play, is that of how play bonds my daughters and I... even my whole family. We are currently in Washington State for my grandmother's funeral and after a day of going through her things and feeling fairly heavy, we retired to our rooms and had a knock down, drag out wrestling, pillow fighting, hug-monstering, laughing, running, chasing, falling, rough housing session with both my daughters, my wife, my mom, my dad, our off duty babysitter and friend, and me! Play is the tool that helps reconnect me to my kids when they are disconnecting and becoming withdrawn. It is the tool that helps me create, the tool that brings me happiness, the tool that reminds my wife why she fell in love with me. Play is not only enlivening, strengthening, and bonding, it is also healing. I agree with G.K. Chesterton, play is the true object of life!

Relationship Reflection

Many in our culture define themselves by their achievements, their career, or their goals. Many of us do this happily and then, upon starting a family, find ourselves in the midst of an identity crisis. I have seen this over and over again in my work as mothers have to let go of their identity as a waitress, a doctor, or a shoemaker, if only for a brief time, and surrender to the unknown title, "Mom". And in that moment we go from defining ourselves by our job to defining ourselves by our relationship. This quickly can get tough as many moms, including me, feel confined by being defined by our relationship with one or two people. Over time, I have come to realize that I am happiest when I define myself in relationship to myself. While my relationships to my daughters, my wife, my mother, my father, step-father, sister, and friends all shape my life, the most important relationship will always be my relationship to myself. Pardon me if that sounds too "woo woo" or self-helpy, but I really do find it to be true. If I don't take care of myself, who will? If I don't make myself happy, who will? I try to always be conscious and check in with myself throughout my day and make sure that I am being authentically myself and living in energy and values that I feel good about. From there, the rest of my relationships have the space to blossom. Historically, I have had a tendency to care for everyone else first, but in my work with mothers, not even so much in being a mother, that I have seen the importance of taking care of my relationship with myself. Sometimes I have to frame it in the context of modeling the kind of relationships with self that I want my girls to learn from me and sometimes it's just joy, but working with moms has taught me that if I want good relationships in my life, I have to start within... To put the gas mask on myself, so to speak, before putting it on others. Then I am better equipped to do the good in the world that I want to do and to love and nurture my relationships to the best of my ability.


I am tremendously lucky to have so many incredible relationships in my life. My relationship with my wife, Joan, my two daughters, my sister, my mom, my step-dad (Papa), my dad, and all my girlfriends bring me more joy than anything else in my life.

My wife and I were lucky enough to really experience love at first sight. We fell for each other hard and fast, though complicating factors kept us apart for nearly a year. We were born twenty hours apart and in some ways, finding each other was like meeting someone from your home planet when you have been living as an alien for all of your life. But our likeness is actually what brings us more troubles than anything else as we butt heads and grapple to get control over the many aspects of marriage and family that we can never hope to control. Our differences, however, seem very complimentary. Overall, what has kept our relationship strong and made our relationship a true partnership is our constant willingness to be vulnerable to each other, get uncomfortable, and do the work needed to move forward. I can honestly say that after ten years of being together, we have finally hit the point where one person can get triggered and mad, lash out a little, and the other one can usually just listen, understanding from experience where that person is coming from. We are actually able to say, "OK. You're right. I didn't think about it that way. Sorry. I'll work on that." What a huge feat!! It wasn't always like that and I know we will grapple horns again, but our commitment is strong and we have more than one time realized that neither of us is going anywhere so we can either look at the tough stuff, get uncomfortable and learn, or we can be miserable together for the rest of our lives!!!

My relationships with my girls have always been based in honesty. My wife and I sat down before they were born and decided to create a sort of manifesto of parenting; to decide what are guiding parenting principles would be before things got hard. We had no idea what we were doing, but we decided that telling the truth would be the way to go when in doubt. As a result, at four and six, our kids could tell you the details of what a sperm and egg do, tell you how often their Mommy and Mama fight, and what  my biggest fears are. I think this principle has served us well. It has led us to always listen to their truth, to tell the truth about how we are feeling when we are ready to explode and can't be good parents (rather than just yelling or punishing out of exasperation), and to very close connections. We hold our girls very close, but make a point of setting strong limits so that they can learn exactly what they are capable of. The power of our relationship comes from intense love, a willingness to be vulnerable all around, honesty, and a lot of hard work. My girls are the light of my life. They are really my everything. I didn't know joy could be this big!

My relationship with my mom is probably to blame for all this goodness in my life! :) My mom is my constant. She is the one who is always there for me and always has been. She is the one who made me feel like I was the most important person in the world when I was little and she is the one who is always  and she still does. She adores and worships my girls as only a grandma can. She accepts my unconditionally. I am beyond lucky. It's hard to imagine what my life would look like or how I would see the world with out her love, caring, generosity, and faith in me. I am truly blessed. This is my sweet mom with my oldest daughter doing some serious vacationing.

Growing up as a younger sibling, I grew accustomed to observing and learning from my sister mistakes. I became a student of relationships early one. Relationships have always been what I love. I was the peacemaker in my family- always seeing things from every one's perspective and finding ways to communicate, disarm, and remind people of compassion. I've been working on connecting people ever since. After years of observation, several failed relationships, and lots of hard work, I have plenty to say about relationships and what makes them work. These days I am convinced that the essential ingredient in a positive relationship that is too often missing in our culture, is embracing vulnerability. We live in a culture obsessed with certainty and getting to the next goal or place. We have trouble just being and sitting and being still. With that resistance, we have lost our ability to sit in the unknown and to be vulnerable. I have noticed that so many moms, myself included, will have a moment of watching their sleeping child with bliss only to find themselves overwhelmed with horrible images in their mind of losing their child and being devastated. The joy is blocked by fear. I think this is because we are not cultivating our ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the gate way to courage and courage is the gate way to all the good stuff! It allows us to live consistently in our highest self, to embrace joy, and have faith that even if something tough happens, we will be okay. In marital relationships I think cultivating vulnerability is even more vital as it is so easy to build a wall of to do lists, children's activities, and laundry. What is more vulnerable than trying to emotionally connect with a partner who is just not available? It's tough. But I'd rather be uncomfortable sometimes, cry sometimes, tell the truth, and ask for what I need, than live with a wall around me that blocks out joy!

This assignment asked me what special quality might shift a relationship into a partnership. I think the difference is a sense of  longevity, trust, and togetherness. Will this stand next to you, trust in your capabilities, and stick around a while? If so, they might well be a partner. I suppose their also needs to be a mutual interest, as well. In the context of education, I can definitely a teacher forming a partnership in learning about each other, life, and academics would help propel a child forward and grow her/his self-esteem. Parents can also be great partners. My mother definitely feels like a partner of mine in many respects, and my girls are certainly partners in crime!

So how does this insight and learning that I now carry going to help me as an early childhood professional? Well, how is it not? Relationships are at the heart of all learning and people are built to thrive in connection with each other, so any wisdom that we all bring to the table on the topic of relationships can only serve to help us. My life has taught me to listen more than I talk, to give when I get, to teach when I learn, to be vulnerable to the greatness of life, and to embrace my failures as just the lessons that I need. All of these lessons serve me every day in my career. And further, one of the things that I celebrate most about working in this field is that the children and adults that I work with teach me more than I could ever learn in my own relationships. The objectivity that I gain from being on the outside allows me to see things I am blind to in myself. I can then transfer the learning to my own life and everyone in my family benefits. I then pass it on to the other parents and children that I work with and the light becomes contagious! But if I had to pick one thing that I have taken from my personal relationships that has taught me and helped me the most in my work, it would undoubtedly be the power of genuine listening. My work taught me what listening is- not merely sitting and being quiet when someone talks, but absorbing the meaning and witnessing them and holding the intention that they are absolutely capable of healing this themselves if only someone would see and hear them for who they authentically are. The more listening I listen, the better at it I get and the more present I get and the more I realize that I am just beginning to understanding what real listening is. After all, we all just want to be seen, heard, and loved unconditionally for who we are right now at this very moment, right?

Favorite Quotes about Early Childhood & Special Thanks

Encouraging the expression of feelings is healthy. It helps eliminate guilt and promotes honesty. If, by contrast, your child is told, "Don't say that. That's not nice," he won't feel comfortable about expressing himself. Rather, he may feel guilty about his feelings because his parent thinks they're "not nice." Don't manipulate your child's feelings by saying, "Why are you so grumpy? Smile for Mommy." Give him permission to feel the way he does. People go to therapy because they were not allowed to express what they felt as children. Somebody in their past said, "That's not all right." ~ Magda Gerber

I love this quote. It brings together so many principles that I hold dear as a parent, a parenting educator, a postpartum doula, a sleep consultant, and a person. Subtle and not-so-subtle messages of shame are handed to our children every day as parents, caregivers, and teachers try to teach them to stuff their feelings down and act "appropriately." So few of us had parents with the information or tools to allow us to express our feelings as children. As a result, when our children show big emotions, we become uncomfortable and try to shut them down. Then we wonder why our children don't confide in us with their deep secrets and fears when they enter the vulnerable phase of adolescence. It may be hard at first, but when I child gets upset, all we need to do is listen. In my experience, listening allows children to work out deep feelings of fear and anxiety and emerge restored, loving, and connected. This approach allows children to heal themselves, feel powerful and optimistic, build resilience, and build trust in their relationship with the one listening to them. When I first learned about these techniques from Hand in Hand Parenting (www.handinhandparenting.org), I was shocked to see that when one of my daughters emerged from a fit after getting kind attention from me, we both felt so bonded and so much love. Finally, I had figured out how to get through these outbursts. The answer was right in line with Magda's ideas... Wait, be patient, and let your child show you the way through! 


"9. Before you nag, remind, criticize, advise, chime in, or over-explain, say to yourself ‘W.A.I.T’ (Why am I talking?) Listen four times more than you talk." -Wendy Mogel,PhD

This quote was taken from Wendy Mogel's Overparenting Anonyomous: ATwenty Six Step Program for Good Parents Gone Bad. I think Magda Gerber would have liked it, too. Many of us, myself especially, try so very hard to do everything right, but as we struggle to figure out what that is we talk and talk and talk and talk. When we finally get to the point we were trying to make, our children have left the building and there thoughts are on their legos or their homework or how entirely annoying we are. How many ideas have our children forgotten they wanted to share because we wouldn't stop talking? Do our children sometimes avoid talking to us about important issues because we focus so much on fixing their problems that we forget to stop and listen? LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. And when in doubt, listen again. It makes children feel powerful, seen, important, and valuable. This helps build resilience and trust in you. And, of course, this lesson applies to all caregivers and teachers, in my opinion. Feel like you're talking too much? You probably are. :)

Thanks to all!

-Lauren

THANK YOU'S....

Oh my dear, Stephanie! I am so grateful for you! It can be so incredibly lonely doing this program online without all of the protective positive benefits of in-person relationships that we read so much about in this program! But I always know that you are there if I'm confused, frustrated, or just need to know someone else is going through this, too. Thank you for your sense of humor, your intelligent, well-rsearched, and interesting posts, your friendship, and your support. I am terrified that I will lose touch by taking the next eight weeks off, but I am holding the intention that sometime soon, you will take a break, and we will end up on the same track again.
Until then, THANK YOU and please stay in touch!
With loads of gratitude and cheer,
Lauren

Machaela!
I love this part of the course when I get to take a moment to sing your praises and thank you for being such a powerful, kind, and inspiring colleague and friend. When I have a question, am worried about the course, or just need a really well thought and inspirational Discussion post to respond to, you are my lady! I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart and hope that some day we will meet and get to have that drink together! Doing your master's online, as you know, can be very isolating and I receive constant comfort knowing you are out there with me. 
I am taking am taking 8-weeks off to regroup, but really hope that we end up back on the same timetable soon. It won't be the same without you.
With loads of gratitude,
Lauren

Standardized Testing Alternatives and What We Can Learn From Finland

Through my course of study, it has become abundantly clear that one thing that is commonly accepted and acknowledged in current educational theory is that children development in the context of relationships (National Council on the Developing Child, 2004). Relationships protect children (and their development) from the various potentially toxic forms of stress, and children thrive cognitively, socially, physically, and emotionally when they are connected to positive, loving people (Berger, 2012: Hartzell et al, 2011). It also seems quite clear that the educational system, which focuses largely on competition and standardized test scores, is in a state of crisis (Berger, 2012: Smidt, 2013). Perhaps this is because with the United States' cultural emphasis on independence, achievement of personal excellence, and competition, mistakes were made with implementation of programs like merit-based No Child Left Behind that move away from addressing the whole child, including the piece about emphasizing relationships as an essential building block of education (Neil, 2012; Strauss, 2011). Standardized tests seem to measure only how well one certain child is capable of taking a standardized test at one moment in time. Children learn in different ways and these tests do not take this into account. Does that mean we should abandon standardized tests? If so, should we adopt a different form of assessment or is assessment not helpful? What alternatives to standardized testing should we use?

In my exploration and research to answer these questions, I found that Finland's education system was brought up as a place to look for answers to these and many other questions (Neil, 2012; Strauss, 2011, 2012). In Finland, teacher's are very well educated, respected, and trusted. It is difficult to get into teaching programs and all teachers in Finland study rigorously for five years and graduate with nothing less than a Master's degree. The emphasis in education is on equity and making sure that every child and every school is on equal footing. Teachers are not help to a rigorous, specific standard and children are not given standardized tests until they are exiting high school and are tested for college entrance. Teachers are able to adapt the curriculum to each student's interests and needs. Parents are consistently connected to the learning process as well. Finland, as a result, has an extremely well educated population and fifteen year old Finnish students have consistently tested above most all nations in reading, mathematics, and science. It is tempting to say, then, that the U.S. should simply imitate Finland? Well, that may not be entirely true as Finland also has a completely different social welfare system with under 4% of their children living in poverty (compared to the U.S's 22%), a very effective and accessible health care system, and education is viewed as an obvious priority that serves a public purpose (Strauss, 2012). The idea of competition between teachers for merit-based money, for example, seems ludicrous to the Finnish as teachers are supposed to be working together to solve the problems that arise in the classroom. Still, Finland does indicate that, perhaps, if our priorities can change in the United States, standardized tests are unnecessary (Neil, 2011, Strauss, 2012). 

In the meantime, since the United States isn't likely to have the change of heart or the resources reprioritize completely, are there any alternatives to standardized testing that could serve the purpose of assessing children to make sure that they are getting the education that they deserve and that children aren't being left behind? One alternative is that of portfolio based assessment (Peterson et al, 2014). Though there are many different ideas about the exact application of this concept, the basic idea of portfolio assessment is that teachers keep their students work in a portfolio. Students and teachers reflect on the quality and the progression of the work over the term. Some then use a system to measure the quality and progress. Random samplings are also used in some schools to measure the school or class as a whole. The benefit of this system is that it allows children and teachers to reflect on each individual students way of learning and to assess the areas of study that could use some attention and reevaluation of teaching style. It also takes into account students' abilities at different times and in different contexts rather than students' abilities to take a certain test at a certain time (Peterson et al, 2014).

Neill (as quoted by Strauss, 2012), discusses this same idea under a different name, calling it "performance-based assessments". In New York City, the New York Performance Standards Consortium, a grouping of 28 high school, tested this approach of assessing high school students. The student body of the schools reflected the same demographics as the city, itself, though the student bodies, on average, had lower socio-economic status that most NYC public high schools. The schools also used project-based learning. The results were that this type of assessment succeeded in areas where standardized tests tend to fail, and the Consortium students were more likely to graduate and get into college (Strauss, 2014). This suggests to me that both this type of testing, which takes into account more of each individual students abilities over time, was very success. This shifting of testing and teaching style takes into greater account each students interests and needs, as well. I would be willing to bet that part of this success is due to the fact that this type of learning takes into account different students' learning styles and interests, thus helping students to feel heard and connected to their teachers. In other words, by having quality relationships with their teachers through a more adaptable curriculum, students are better able to learn. Again, children learn and thrive in the context of their relationships (NSCDC, 2004).
It seems clear to me that there is reform needed in the US. Finland offers wonderful ideas about some great ways that restructuring our priorities as a culture can affect the learning of our children. I would like to see changes in our educational system that take the emphasis off of standardized testing and merit-based compensation and onto building the quality of teacher's education and compensation, as well as on valuing relationships, equity, and building trust within the school system. Project-based learning and performance based assessment or portfolio based assessments would be a great place to start.

References

Berger, K.S. (2012). The developing person through childhood (Sixth edition). New York, NY: Worth Publishers.

 Hartzell, M. & Siegel, D. (2014). Parenting from the inside out: how a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. New York, NY: Penguin.

National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2004). Young children develop in an environment of relationships. Working Paper No. 1. Retrieved from http//www.developingchild.net

Neil, M. (2012, November 2). An alternative to standardized testing for student assessment The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2012/11/02/an-alternative-to-standardized-testing-for-student-assessment/

Peterson, B. & Neill, M. (2014). Alternatives to standardized testing. Retrieved from http://www.rethinkingschools.org/restrict.asp?path=archive/13_03/assess.shtml.

Smidt, S. (2013). The developing child in the 21st  century: A global perspective on child development (2nd edition). New York: Routledge.

Strauss, V. (2011, October 13). Ravitch: why finland's school are great (by doing what we don't). The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/post/ravitch-why-finlands-schools-are-great-by-doing-what-we-dont/2011/10/12/gIQAmTyLgL_blog.html

Strauss, V. (2012, April 17). What the u.s. can't learn from finland about education reform. The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/post/what-the-us-cant-learn-from-finland-about-ed-reform/2012/04/16/gIQAGIvVMT_blog.html.