Hand in Hand Parenting- Transforming Fear through Play and More

I’ve had a lot of fun in the last few weeks catching up with Hand in Hand Parenting. I could write for pages and pages about all of the wonderful tools, articles, and information the cite provides, but I will try to be succinct!  Of specific interest to me this week was a section in which Dr. Larry Cohen discusses using play to help children work through anxiety. I am a huge believer in the learning and transformative power of play and I use play in my practice as a parenting coach and pediatric sleep specialist all the time. Dr. Cohen had some wonderful games to add to my repertoire of games that help transmute fear and anxiety through play and laughter.

One of the games was called, “Security Duck.” A mother, who was dealing with her daughter’s daily anxieties, had approached Dr. Cohen looking for help. Her daughter, Brooke, became very anxious easily and especially when her daily routine was broken. When this happened, Brooke would repeatedly ask her mother the same questions over and over again, seemingly unsatisfied with the answers. Her mother was very frustrated and didn’t know what to do. Dr. Cohen suggested this game to help empower Brooke and use imaginative play to work through her fears. In the game, a silly, floppy stuffed duck was the “Security Duck.” The duck was in charge of keeping everyone safe and would boast about how he wasn’t afraid of anything. Then, the duck would become terrified of silly, innocuous things and run and hide! Brooke then brought it a bunch of puppies to save the day. Brooke and her mother played this game in many different contexts for several weeks with loads of laughter and fun. The result was Brooke’s anxiety significantly diminished. Why? Because Brooke was connecting with her mother and her brain was receiving messages of safety and connection. Brooke was allowed to be the powerful one and to dictate the ducks fears (thus working through some of her own fear with lightness and levity) and the puppies’ solutions. Power, it seems, is an antidote to anxiety and fear. The HIH website points out with frequency that children spend so much of their day being told what to do and being so powerless. Connecting with children and using their language of play to turn fear into silliness is a beautiful way to help children embrace their own fear! You can read this article at: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/dr-lawrence-cohen-playing-anxiety/

Hand in Hand Parenting is in many ways very counter cultural. I have introduced their tools to so many parents and almost all of them (myself included) have had a moment when it just seemed crazy to be listening to a child become so upset and unreasonable without creating some sort of consequence to discourage the behavior in the future. Our culture has a lot of faith in it’s system of rewards and punishments. In my experience, though, when children are really off track and acting belligerently, there is always fear at the root of it. Hand in Hand uses a lot of neuroscience to explain that when children act out, their brains are basically on overload. Stress has caused the brain to release cortisol and enough cortisol shuts down a child’s ability to think rationally. Listening through a tantrum and setting safe limits allows children to offload that stress and restore clear thinking. It trusts that children are inherently good and want to do the right thing. I love this about it. This is the very point that can be controversial, however. Children’s big emotions can be scary and triggering to parents and sometimes parents just want to make those feelings stop. The lovely thing about trusting our kids and listening through upset, however, is that on the other side, when things have calmed down, the connection and trust between parents and children has grown.

I think that the overwhelming trend that becomes clear when reviewing the HIH website, especially when coupled with the overwhelming popularity that the parenting philosophy is gaining has really shown me that parents are really dissatisfied with the ways that they, themselves, were parented. As our culture’s concept of children has changed so much, we are starting to see that parents are seeing how incredible capable, smart, and good their children are. One-size fits all styles of parenting and the use of punishments as a way of controlling behavior is beginning to fall out of vogue in some communities. Many parents are craving ways to set strong limits with their kids, but in a respectful way that grows connection and trust rather than creating more bad feelings and mistrust. It still remains quite controversial, but I do hope that more parents will begin to see the joys that lie in parenting in this way.

Thanks for reading!

-Lauren

Reaching Out to International Contacts in the Early Childhood Field

I have really been excited about this blog assignment. I often feel that as an early childhood professional working in private practice I really exist in a bubble. I often yearn for the connection of other professionals working in related fields and was really enthusiastic about reaching out to other professionals around the globe.

Sadly, despite what I consider to be valiant efforts to make contact, I have had a lot of trouble getting anyone to respond. I suspect time and language barriers were the cause, as I am too optimistic to think that the over a dozen emails I sent were sent to people who just didn’t care. My primarily focus was reaching out to people in Finland. I outline the details of that search in a previous post, so I won’t go into that. Suffice it to say after reaching out to 5 different Finnish early childhood professionals two to three times, I gave up. My attempts in Egypt and Nepal were similarly thwarted.

So, I went to the World Forum Foundation website to start the alternative assignment. Unfortunately, the site doesn’t seem to connect to the World Forum Foundation radio any longer, so there were no links to podcasts to listen to. There was a link to what seems to have replaced the World Forum Radio, which was called BAM! Radio. BAM stands for body and mind and is a wonderful resource that I enjoyed delving into immensely. There are sections for parents, educators, and leaders to listen to radio broadcasts on how to promote mind and body prosperity for children and families. You can check it out at: http://www.worldforumfoundation.org/bam-radio-website/ Unfortunately, using BAM! Radio did not feel appropriate to the assignment because all of the radio broadcasts were given by and intended for people working in this country.

So I decided to investigate the World Forum Foundation website further in order to see if I could gain a connection to early childhood professionals around the globe, which seemed to me to be the point of the assignment. I found that you can join WoFo, which is a forum to connect with other early childhood professionals from around the world! Many of the people connecting through WoFo met at conferences hosted by the WFF and we using the World Forum Foundation WoFo as a tool to reconnect with the professionals they had met, as well as ask questions and find support as they implemented the ideas that they had learned at the conferences. I thought that this was finally a way that I might find a connection to professionals around the globe!

I read through a bunch of different posts and found a post written by a man named Karma Gayleg from Bhutan, which I felt was the most relevant to this week’s issue of poverty. I thought he could lend a really relevant perspective on poverty, and he did. As you may or may not know, Bhutan like the rest of the globe has felt the effects of technology, globalization, and modernization. According to Gayleg, the speeding up of the culture that comes along with this is really seen even in Bhutan, which is a predominantly agrarian society. According to Wikipedia, Bhutan is one of the smallest and least developed countries in the world (2014). It is by no means a wealthy country. But it has in recent years become famous as it has been reported as the happiest country in the world. While other countries were focusing on their gross national product, Bhutan’s reaction to modernization reaching it’s borders and life seeming to speed up and be more about acquiring material things, was to put their focus on, what they call the Gross National Happiness. On a governmental level, the country has decided to research and focus on what actually makes people happy. I find this to be a really revolutionary way to approach dealing with poverty. Perhaps our country is looking at things from the wrong angle. This is what Gayleg wrote:

Karma Gayleg (Bhutan):

"Change and modernization has touched every nation and society. The ramifications of rapid socio-economic development and globalization have not spared even a small agrarian society like my country. Everyone is in a perpetual rush to attend to work and the many distractions that modernity has afforded, leaving little time for one’s own well being and attending to families, children, and relationships. The more we make, the less we tend to utilize and the more we have, the more we tend to desire.

My Kings have realized this as a grave challenge to human well being and societal harmony and devised a new way of looking at life and living through a noble vision called Gross National Happiness. By this ideology, there is aspiration of idealistic human development outcomes, where human qualities of responsibility, respect, compassion, coexistence and interdependence are desired. The vision has also teaches us that happiness is about living simply, being content and cherishing relationships. In practical terms, happiness to us means understanding and caring for the environment, nurturing social values and building healthy relationships, ensuring equitable and sustainable economic development and having equality and justice in governance.

Considering that many of the values, attitudes and dispositions of human beings are formed and shaped in the early years of life, we also believe that societal harmony and individual happiness can only be realized when the youngest of children are viewed as the most potent seeds of happiness.

As we live in a diverse and colourful world, I would like to share these questions with all my brothers and sisters all around the world: “What does it mean to make happiness a priority?”"

___________________________________________________________

His words really resonate with my values and the ideals that have brought me the most joy, connection, and success in my life. Perhaps it is time to reexamine the approach we are taking. It does seem like as early childhood professionals gather more and more research and to try to help direct leaders and policy makers towards positive reform and change, change is moving rather slowly. I know this is a really radical idea in our culture, but it seems to me that if we focused on happiness, respect, and taking care of each other, we might find many of the other issues solve themselves. I realize this is rather idealistic, but I actually do believe it to be true.

I asked Gayleg whether he felt focusing on happiness has a direct or indirect affect on poverty, but I haven’t heard back from him yet. I will post here when I do. Here is the response that I sent him:

"It amazes me how much of the stress of life falls away when one’s heart and intention are redirected and begin to prioritize happiness. In my experience, a key to discovering true happiness, realizing the abundance around you even in hard times, and detaching from the seduction of material wealth and attachment is giving. Not just giving money to charities or even giving your time, but a mindset of conscious giving. I recently suffered a series of very painful losses- loss of my twin daughters and my father nearly passed just a few weeks after. I lost my place entirely. I pulled a book of the shelf entitled, “The 29 Day Giving Challenge.” It was written by an old friend of mine by the name of Cami Walker and was a NY Times bestseller some years ago. Walker was diagnosed with MS and went into a deep depression and the prescription of a South African medicine woman who lived across the hall from her changed her life. The medicine woman, I apologize that I don’t recall her name, told her to shift her focus outward and give one gift every day for 29 days. She could give a well-timed hug or money or support or time or anything she wanted, but she was instructed to do it every day consciously- to look for her opportunities, and to make a note of what was easy to give and what was difficult, as well as to try to give away things that were hard to give away as frequently as possible. The result was a complete shift in perspective. I experienced the same thing and have recently added daily giving to my spiritual practice. The result was recognizing abundance around me, attracting love and more gifts, a new ability to receive, and a general contentment and belief in myself,  my life, and the world and people around me. I may not even be giving more than I did before I started the challenge, but I am doing it consciously and lovingly and the result is completely different. I am happy, despite crippling loss and despair, I am able to embrace the happiness that comes when it comes and be grateful for what I have and have had."

Thanks for reading!

-Lauren

References:

https://www.worldforumfoundation.org

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Economy_of_Bhutan

Reconnecting with Hand in Hand Parenting through Their Website

The website that I have chosen to follow is Hand in Hand Parenting’s website. You can find it at: 

www.handinhandparenting.org.

While I am quite familiar with the organization and use their ideas to teach quite frequently, I have found myself really wanting to reconnect with the information, to learn it on a deeper level, and to refresh my own commitment to slowing down and being present as a mom, so I chose to spend the next seven weeks reading through the many free articles, bits of parenting advice, and explanations of the basic brain science behind a child’s (and an adult’s) emotional behavior.

Hand in Hand Parenting is a non-profit organization that hopes to change the way that parents view their children. By focusing on connection first, which is essentially a child’s first language, you ready the social and emotional portion of the brain to give the go ahead for the portion of the brain that governs impulse control, rational thinking, and short-term memory to kick into action. Conversely, if connection gets too frayed and the social and emotional part of the brain doesn’t feel safe, the small stresses of the world can overwhelm a child’s brain. The child’s behavior goes off track. By rebuilding connection and giving children the space they need to be upset, release the stress hormones that shut down that rational thinking, and just accepting and loving her child for who they are, children have the release they need and return to rational thinking. It is a revolutionary approach that puts brain science before the social norms of reward and punishment. And, in my experience, and my practice, it works!

But I have found that this type of parenting takes constantly mindfulness and sometimes I get a bit rusty and my own upset clogs my thinking and I become that bear that I really don’t want to be! I yell at my kids or, like today, I actually stomp my feet like a frustrated toddler! I say things I regret. Parenting is hard. Today, I was happy to have the assignment of checking in and reconnecting with some of the Hand in Hand tools.

I reviewed a video entitled, “How was School? Fine.” The video is of HIH founder, Patty Wipfler on NBC’s nightly news in the San Francisco Bay Area. She discussed the need to give kids a chance to have a little control and power after a day of being told what to do from start to finish. She also discussed the need to give kids time to reconnect before you start badgering them for information. My oldest daughter is getting older and I have noticed that some of the HIH tools are a little tougher to use. Patty discussed the idea that when children get older, they become more emotionally protected, and it takes a more patient, less obvious, but equally loving approach to kind of go fishing for connection with them. It was really inspiring to me.

If you ‘d like to check out the video, you can do so here:

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/in-the-news/

I hope you find this as helpful as I do!

Thanks!

-Lauren

Establishing Professional Contacts and Expanding Resources

At first read, I have to admit I was a bit nervous about this week's assignment to reach out to international early childhood professionals. My reticence quickly turned to excitement, however, as I started to explore my options. I am sort of smitten by Finland's education system; their lack of standardized testing, huge government support, community approach, and project-based learning really intrigues me.... Not to mention they have just proven that their system works as they continue to be ranked #1 in the developed world for education (www.scholastic.com, 2015). So I set out to try to connect with some Finnish folk. I sent emails via UNICEF, the Finnish National Board of Education, and Center on International Education Benchmarking. For good measure, I also an email to and Irish organization and an Egyptian one, as well. Unfortunately, most of the emails came back with failure messages of some kind. I have yet to hear back from the folks at the Finnish National Board of Education and the Center on International Education Benchmarking, so I have my fingers crossed. If I don't hear back from them over the weekend, I will try to dig deeper and find a few different Finnish early childhood organizations to explore as I really have my heart set on learning more about their flexible, connected way of approaching education. Hopefully, I will have some luck and won't have to move to the alternative assignment.

I decided to go in a very different direction when it came to selecting a website to follow for an organization that supports early childhood in some way. I have long since had an affinity for the organization Parenting by Connection, now renamed Hand in Hand Parenting (www.handinhandparenting.org). They like to fancy themselves a "Parent Rescue Squad," which really resonates with my personal and professional passions. I have used them as a resource in the past and have recently found myself falling behind on their articles and new insights. I've been really frustrated with this since their teachings have enriched my private practice and my parenting so much, so I thought I would use this as an opportunity to catch back up on all of their new information and articles. The wonderful thing about HIH is that all of their teaching are based on basic brain science. Many of their approaches are fairly counter cultural as they do not advocate classic reward and punishment, but instead focus on connection, listening, setting limits, and play. I am a parenting educator and advocate, a pediatric sleep consultant, parenting coach, lactation counselor, and a former birth and postpartum doula. When my oldest daughter was born I had incredibly high expectations of myself and motherhood. I was really devastated by how isolating it actually felt and how much loss I felt, too. I became really passionate about studying postpartum support practices throughout the world and quickly found that the US is so far behind in this area that most parents can't even really imagine what support might look like. I have built my practice up around supporting parents, which I believe is the best way to support children. HIH has an entire area of support that focuses just on how parents can deal with the frustrations of parenthood, so that they can restore their brains to healthy functioning rather than frustrated loops of irrationality (if you are a parent, you will know what I mean). This is a big part of why I want to build my connection to this organization. I'm really excited to learn more and share it will y'all!

Thanks for reading! I look forward to connecting and learning more about all of you!

-Lauren