My Connections to Play

"The true object of all human life is play."

-G.K. Chesterton

"Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold."

-Joseph Chiton Pearce

"A child loves his play, not because it's easy, but because it's hard."

-Benjamin Spock

"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellectual but by the play instinct."

-Carl Jung

"The opposite of play is not work. It's depression."

-Brian Sutton-Smith, MD

"Play allows us to develop alternatives to violence and despair; it helps us learn perseverance and gain optimism."

-Brian Sutton-Smith, MD

My Favorite Play Tools from Childhood:

I grew up in an olive orchard. The trees were amongst my best friends as they transformed into bridges to new worlds, safe haven, fairy houses, octopus-monsters, fantastic places to hide treasures, or the only one who understood my deepest sadnesses. I swear those trees understood me, healed me when I was sad, and made me feel much less alone in the world. I still miss them.

When I was a child I was always barefoot. I lived on 200 acres of farmland and I roamed it barefoot and free. The textures that I felt- a hot dust in the fields, sharp rocks in the driveway, the particular prickle of bark, the cold wet relief of the reservoir or creek, the super squish of mud on a hillside all transported me to new worlds!

We had a creek that ran through our property, under the driveway, and to the reservoir. Sometimes it was dry and other times it was a terrifying, rush of speedy water certain to take you down and threaten your life. My sister and I played for hours and hours in there. It became a bomb shelter, the only escape from danger, our home, a rabbit burrow, you name it. I look back on how high and fast that water was moving and can't believe that I was allowed to play there. Playing in places like this, however, helped me to understand how to negotiate risk, face my fears, and build my confidence.

Support For Play in My Childhood

As I mentioned before, I grew up on hundreds of acres of farmland. My parents divorced early on and both lived on large amounts of land. My older sister and I were allowed to roam free through all of that land from an early age. I recently asked my mother if she worried about us back then when she didn't know where we were for some many hours of the day. She simply replied, "No. It was a different time." It was indeed. We lived in the middle of no where, so there would be no fear today of stranger dangers like there would be in an urban or suburban place, but today I still believe that most parents would worry about their children being out and about alone for that long. There were rattle snakes, rushing creeks, and plenty of trees to fall out of. There were tractors with sharp blades, a grumpy bull, and hornets nests. We learned to negotiate these risks each day and we both survived. I believe the greatest support of my play, besides that that I received from my constant play companion (my sister), was that my parents gave me this freedom. They trusted my capabilities and let us follow our fun. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I was also a very silly child. I liked to do shows, make up nonsensical songs and languages, and where ridiculous costumes and clothes. I was always encouraged to do this and was given a lot of positive feedback for my dinner time antics. I wasn't forced to sit quietly at the dinner table or even keep my feet off the table. Our evenings were always spent in an environment of fun. I try very hard to replicate this in my house now that I am a mother.

Those dinner time antics have had a huge affect on my adult life, as well. I spend my twenties in the circus, where I was paid to play and be laughed at, just like I was at the dinner table, all day long. I was a clown (think Lucille Ball, not Bozo) and an aerialist. I was afraid of heights just as I was afraid of the rushing water in the culvert, but I climbed high and flew on a trapeze or bounced on bungies every day. The joy of that kind of play and the lessons that it has taught me about what life is really about, what happiness is and isn't, and how to use play to inspire creativity and knock down walls in your life, have been invaluable to me. When I injured my shoulder and could no longer do professional trapeze work, my focus shifted to working in birth, with babies, parents, and children, and I found that a well-developed sense of play, and the vulnerability that comes with that, were my greatest tools. They allow me to connect with people- not just children, who are afraid, traumatized, embarrassed, or exhausted. My ability to laugh at myself disarms people and helps them to laugh at themselves to. All of the most wonderful, exciting, and inspiring achievements of my life have been born of the creativity that is born of play.

Perhaps the most rewarding aspect of my fairly well-developed relationship to play, is that of how play bonds my daughters and I... even my whole family. We are currently in Washington State for my grandmother's funeral and after a day of going through her things and feeling fairly heavy, we retired to our rooms and had a knock down, drag out wrestling, pillow fighting, hug-monstering, laughing, running, chasing, falling, rough housing session with both my daughters, my wife, my mom, my dad, our off duty babysitter and friend, and me! Play is the tool that helps reconnect me to my kids when they are disconnecting and becoming withdrawn. It is the tool that helps me create, the tool that brings me happiness, the tool that reminds my wife why she fell in love with me. Play is not only enlivening, strengthening, and bonding, it is also healing. I agree with G.K. Chesterton, play is the true object of life!

Relationship Reflection

Many in our culture define themselves by their achievements, their career, or their goals. Many of us do this happily and then, upon starting a family, find ourselves in the midst of an identity crisis. I have seen this over and over again in my work as mothers have to let go of their identity as a waitress, a doctor, or a shoemaker, if only for a brief time, and surrender to the unknown title, "Mom". And in that moment we go from defining ourselves by our job to defining ourselves by our relationship. This quickly can get tough as many moms, including me, feel confined by being defined by our relationship with one or two people. Over time, I have come to realize that I am happiest when I define myself in relationship to myself. While my relationships to my daughters, my wife, my mother, my father, step-father, sister, and friends all shape my life, the most important relationship will always be my relationship to myself. Pardon me if that sounds too "woo woo" or self-helpy, but I really do find it to be true. If I don't take care of myself, who will? If I don't make myself happy, who will? I try to always be conscious and check in with myself throughout my day and make sure that I am being authentically myself and living in energy and values that I feel good about. From there, the rest of my relationships have the space to blossom. Historically, I have had a tendency to care for everyone else first, but in my work with mothers, not even so much in being a mother, that I have seen the importance of taking care of my relationship with myself. Sometimes I have to frame it in the context of modeling the kind of relationships with self that I want my girls to learn from me and sometimes it's just joy, but working with moms has taught me that if I want good relationships in my life, I have to start within... To put the gas mask on myself, so to speak, before putting it on others. Then I am better equipped to do the good in the world that I want to do and to love and nurture my relationships to the best of my ability.


I am tremendously lucky to have so many incredible relationships in my life. My relationship with my wife, Joan, my two daughters, my sister, my mom, my step-dad (Papa), my dad, and all my girlfriends bring me more joy than anything else in my life.

My wife and I were lucky enough to really experience love at first sight. We fell for each other hard and fast, though complicating factors kept us apart for nearly a year. We were born twenty hours apart and in some ways, finding each other was like meeting someone from your home planet when you have been living as an alien for all of your life. But our likeness is actually what brings us more troubles than anything else as we butt heads and grapple to get control over the many aspects of marriage and family that we can never hope to control. Our differences, however, seem very complimentary. Overall, what has kept our relationship strong and made our relationship a true partnership is our constant willingness to be vulnerable to each other, get uncomfortable, and do the work needed to move forward. I can honestly say that after ten years of being together, we have finally hit the point where one person can get triggered and mad, lash out a little, and the other one can usually just listen, understanding from experience where that person is coming from. We are actually able to say, "OK. You're right. I didn't think about it that way. Sorry. I'll work on that." What a huge feat!! It wasn't always like that and I know we will grapple horns again, but our commitment is strong and we have more than one time realized that neither of us is going anywhere so we can either look at the tough stuff, get uncomfortable and learn, or we can be miserable together for the rest of our lives!!!

My relationships with my girls have always been based in honesty. My wife and I sat down before they were born and decided to create a sort of manifesto of parenting; to decide what are guiding parenting principles would be before things got hard. We had no idea what we were doing, but we decided that telling the truth would be the way to go when in doubt. As a result, at four and six, our kids could tell you the details of what a sperm and egg do, tell you how often their Mommy and Mama fight, and what  my biggest fears are. I think this principle has served us well. It has led us to always listen to their truth, to tell the truth about how we are feeling when we are ready to explode and can't be good parents (rather than just yelling or punishing out of exasperation), and to very close connections. We hold our girls very close, but make a point of setting strong limits so that they can learn exactly what they are capable of. The power of our relationship comes from intense love, a willingness to be vulnerable all around, honesty, and a lot of hard work. My girls are the light of my life. They are really my everything. I didn't know joy could be this big!

My relationship with my mom is probably to blame for all this goodness in my life! :) My mom is my constant. She is the one who is always there for me and always has been. She is the one who made me feel like I was the most important person in the world when I was little and she is the one who is always  and she still does. She adores and worships my girls as only a grandma can. She accepts my unconditionally. I am beyond lucky. It's hard to imagine what my life would look like or how I would see the world with out her love, caring, generosity, and faith in me. I am truly blessed. This is my sweet mom with my oldest daughter doing some serious vacationing.

Growing up as a younger sibling, I grew accustomed to observing and learning from my sister mistakes. I became a student of relationships early one. Relationships have always been what I love. I was the peacemaker in my family- always seeing things from every one's perspective and finding ways to communicate, disarm, and remind people of compassion. I've been working on connecting people ever since. After years of observation, several failed relationships, and lots of hard work, I have plenty to say about relationships and what makes them work. These days I am convinced that the essential ingredient in a positive relationship that is too often missing in our culture, is embracing vulnerability. We live in a culture obsessed with certainty and getting to the next goal or place. We have trouble just being and sitting and being still. With that resistance, we have lost our ability to sit in the unknown and to be vulnerable. I have noticed that so many moms, myself included, will have a moment of watching their sleeping child with bliss only to find themselves overwhelmed with horrible images in their mind of losing their child and being devastated. The joy is blocked by fear. I think this is because we are not cultivating our ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the gate way to courage and courage is the gate way to all the good stuff! It allows us to live consistently in our highest self, to embrace joy, and have faith that even if something tough happens, we will be okay. In marital relationships I think cultivating vulnerability is even more vital as it is so easy to build a wall of to do lists, children's activities, and laundry. What is more vulnerable than trying to emotionally connect with a partner who is just not available? It's tough. But I'd rather be uncomfortable sometimes, cry sometimes, tell the truth, and ask for what I need, than live with a wall around me that blocks out joy!

This assignment asked me what special quality might shift a relationship into a partnership. I think the difference is a sense of  longevity, trust, and togetherness. Will this stand next to you, trust in your capabilities, and stick around a while? If so, they might well be a partner. I suppose their also needs to be a mutual interest, as well. In the context of education, I can definitely a teacher forming a partnership in learning about each other, life, and academics would help propel a child forward and grow her/his self-esteem. Parents can also be great partners. My mother definitely feels like a partner of mine in many respects, and my girls are certainly partners in crime!

So how does this insight and learning that I now carry going to help me as an early childhood professional? Well, how is it not? Relationships are at the heart of all learning and people are built to thrive in connection with each other, so any wisdom that we all bring to the table on the topic of relationships can only serve to help us. My life has taught me to listen more than I talk, to give when I get, to teach when I learn, to be vulnerable to the greatness of life, and to embrace my failures as just the lessons that I need. All of these lessons serve me every day in my career. And further, one of the things that I celebrate most about working in this field is that the children and adults that I work with teach me more than I could ever learn in my own relationships. The objectivity that I gain from being on the outside allows me to see things I am blind to in myself. I can then transfer the learning to my own life and everyone in my family benefits. I then pass it on to the other parents and children that I work with and the light becomes contagious! But if I had to pick one thing that I have taken from my personal relationships that has taught me and helped me the most in my work, it would undoubtedly be the power of genuine listening. My work taught me what listening is- not merely sitting and being quiet when someone talks, but absorbing the meaning and witnessing them and holding the intention that they are absolutely capable of healing this themselves if only someone would see and hear them for who they authentically are. The more listening I listen, the better at it I get and the more present I get and the more I realize that I am just beginning to understanding what real listening is. After all, we all just want to be seen, heard, and loved unconditionally for who we are right now at this very moment, right?